Intermission V

You may or may not have noticed that the subjects and wording of my posts have become more and more strange and erratic of late. I have noticed this too. While my mind is most likely slipping away, due to life-long mental illness, I am at least aware of something strange happening.

My anxiety levels are also at a level where I am unable to deal with them anymore. I should call my doctor about this, but said levels are affecting my ability to communicate with the outside world. There is call waiting and apathetic receptionists and month-long appointment waiting lists in-between me and help. Instead, I just keep drinking and drinking and drinking until I feel an unnatural calm.

I do not see any future anymore, and I am too anxious to think about the past or present. I just feel as though I do not have long left in this life.

At this point in one of these posts, I would wax lyrical about things I’d like to be doing and that I would or may perhaps get back to doing them. But I do not have these feelings anymore.

I have so much love to give, but nobody to give it too. My desire not to pass on my incurable disability means I have no children to pass on my interests and possessions to. I think I would have been a cool dad, but I guess I will never know 

I don’t know what’s going on, but it doesn’t feel natural. Perhaps my cyclothymia has tipped over into schizophrenia, due to my isolation and alcoholism.

If this is my last post, please let it be known that I tried to recover and seek help, but help is not available for shy, awkward, lonely nerds who cannot communicate with the outside world anymore.

I just failed, like I have done with everything else in my life.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!