Friday, 24 May 2024

[story corner]

DOOMSDAY HIVE


A distant, isolated colony of robot labourers race to survive a destructive solar flare and impending conflict with their human caretakers. This work of fiction may contain strong content and glaring scientific inaccuracies.


PART ONE

THE X41 WAVE


CHAPTER ONE


Painfully engorged with more than a day’s worth of crop, gathered painstakingly from the tangled alien landscape of the planet Arles below, the queen hummed contentedly on an intuitive aerial path back to her bustling hive. Behind her, a cloud of worker drones followed at a protective, but respectful, distance in obedient formation.


One drone in particular, however, was failing.


Not so coincidentally, it was also the only drone yet to have delivered its valuable payload.


“Should I open the hold and let them come inside?” Said the cargo brat, into the ship’s intercom.


Cargo brats, a familiar presence on every harvester queen in the fleet, were generally the children of the hive’s human administration body, put into service early for work experience. It provoked their naturally-immature outlook and demeanour into something resembling real maturity, while also teaching them a valuable trade. In most cases of this arrangement, the brats became accepted, by the robot labour body onboard, as their ship’s plucky mascot.


There was a meaningful crackle of static from the intercom in response to this particular brat’s query.


“Sammy, who’s drone is that?!” Came the irritable reply.


The cargo brat turned back to his monitor and quickly registered the trailing drone’s markings.


“Verity Maroon’s, captain. It’s the Ponsonby.”


“‘Pit Pony’!” Said a third voice, barking from somewhere on the hold’s master control panel. “I refuse to use its official designation! I’ve told you this before, Sammy!”


The cargo brat rolled his eyes and turned back to the intercom.


“Did you hear that, captain?” He said, idly rubbing a smudge of accumulating dirt from the bulkhead next to him.


A meaningful burst of static came from the intercom panel.


Then another irritated reply.


“Fine, but refuse tethering. They’ve got to do it manually.” Said the captain. “Perhaps Maroon will learn her lesson, this time.”


Sammy released the intercom and turned to begin lowering the hold’s ramp for the Ponsonby to enter.


“Oh and Sammy!” Said the captain, as parenthesis.


“Yes, captain?” Said the boy, rubbing his closely shaven head.


“You are not to help her, do you understand me?!”


“I understand, captain. And I shan’t.”


The intercom clicked off again.


“Captain?” Said Sammy, testing whether he could still be heard by his superior. Once he was satisfied that communication had been safely lost, he said, in his cracked but high-pitched breath: “Bitch.”


There was suddenly a tremendous groan, as the queen came under a great force from outside. Sammy sprang up on tiptoes to inspect the monitors on the central control panel. It seemed the Ponsonby was experiencing navigation problems and unable to keep a stable course so close to the queen. While not making terminal contact, the air pressure between both vessels was now dense enough to have a negative effect on both.


The external communicator crackled.


“I’m running out of time out here, Sammy. What’s the word?!” Said Verity, a sense of impending doom underlying her taut professionalism.


Sammy sighed and cranked open the cargo door, revealing the swarm of drones on the queen’s tail.


“Pit Pony, you are to delivery your payload manually. There certainly will not be an emergency tether released to port where external security cameras are currently unresponsive.” Said Sammy, reassignment and being grounded by his parents surely in his very near future.


“Thanks, Sammy.” Said Verity, suddenly at peace with herself, while heavy hydraulic grinding could be heard in the background over the communicator.


Onboard the United Arles Astral Bodies (UAAB) Licensed Harvesting Vessel Ponsonby or, more colloquially, “The Pit Pony”, or simply “The Pony” in emergencies, there was a frenzied lack of activity. The ship’s pilot, Verity Maroon, along with her co-pilot, a stocky robot designated “Amsterdam Vallone”, were focussing all their synthetic attention on three key events: the movement of their drone the Pony, the movement of the massive queen beyond, and the movement of the turbulent air between them.


“Where is it?!” Said Amsterdam, his hands hovering over the grappling station. “I can’t see any emergency tether!”


“It’ll come.” Said Verity, as a hatch, flush against the port hull of the queen, slid back and ejected a tethering line.


“There he is. Nice one, Sammy!” Said Verity, stomping down on the drone’s accelerator, while fighting the routinely damaged steering hydraulics.


The community of robot labourers around Arles were capable of achieving greater-than-human strength and agility, but an internal impedance node countered this, as a general rule. Apparently on health and safety grounds. However, under certain conditions defined by the robot programmers back on Earth, full use of the robots’ mechanical force could be authorised and subsequently undertaken.


This was one of those conditions.


“Impedance receded.” Said Verity, industrial lubricant boiling from her straining joints.


Amsterdam nodded. “Yeah, I heard.” He said, attempting to keep control of the grappling arm that now protruded from the forehead of the Ponsonby’s bow.


The robot community also had the ability to communicate instantaneously as part of a collective consciousness, but, much like their strength, and out of respect to the humans they would often find themselves working alongside, this hive mind was also impeded, unless certain conditions arose.


This too was one of those conditions.


Through the exterior arm, Amsterdam was able to tether the Ponsonby to the queen and reel the two closer together. As the drone hovered closer alongside the queen, the two robots in the cockpit were able see the cargo brat waving to them from his control panel, to which he also was carefully tethered. Verity waved back, then counted down in exaggerated movement with her fingers from five. Sammy nodded in confirmation.


Just then, Verity shuddered as a loud mechanical crack deafened the cockpit. She spun around and saw Amsterdam’s grapple controlling arm rip clear away from his torso. His resulting scream sliced open his human voice simulator and let loose a burst of computerised squealing.


The Ponsonby lurched forward, on its side, and crashed into the cargo hold of the queen. Verity wrenched out a lever, which released the drone’s payload onto the magnetised ramp of the queen’s hold.


“Well, that was a close one!” Said Sammy, now within spitting distance of the Ponsonby’s windshield, while also being able to be heard, quite clearly, by the drone’s terror-struck pilot and amputated co-pilot. 


Sammy took in the violent, mechanical mess.


“Oh, is he going to be alright?!”


Verity turned to Amsterdam, who was, with his left hand only, calmly flipping switches and retracting the grappling arm back into the bow.


“Sure, he’s going to be fine.” She said, turning back to the cargo brat and giving him a wink. “He’s had worse things ripped off him.”


Sammy smiled and, without breaking eye contact with the unkempt, albino-haired pilot of the Ponsonby, sent a payload conformation to the queen’s bridge.


“Are two lovebirds done?“ Said Amsterdam, while picking up the shards of his arm that had splintered off during its detachment.


Without a formal verbal or hive warning, and with a deep frown, the pilot pulled the steering lever back as far as it would go, throwing the drone off the queen’s cargo ramp and down into the dusty lower atmosphere of Arles. The laboriously collected mechanical splinters from Amsterdam’s severed arm went flying from his only functioning hand and fell, once more, about the Ponsonby cockpit.


NEXT CHAPTER ➡︎

The Whittling Post Digest - Issue 5

I appear to be on something of a “creative hiatus” at the moment, what with my depression and alcoholism finally getting the better of me, but I have been slipping in the odd cultural taster in between bouts of nihilism, so here are some of my brief highlights of sobriety.


Wow, that was a long sentence. I did try to slap a full stop in there somewhere, but it seems to flow naturally as it is.


Anyway, speaking of hiatuses…


HARD-FI ARE BACK!


Three great albums of suburban punk by four adorably dimwitted cockneys…. then nothing. It appears they went on a 13 year hiatus after the lead guitarist stood down. They’re such sweet boys they just couldn’t, in all good conscience, continue without him. Bless. Well, each week since 2011, I’ve been vigilantly checking to see whether they’ve released anything new, usually to no avail. However, last night, as I lay in bed bracing myself for yet another night of insomnia, there they were! Their new song, “Don’t Go Making Plans”, is classic Hard-Fi stuff, with that The Specials-meets-The Class sorta Two Tone vibe riding high. I’m not sure whether this is part of the fourth album they had ready to go before going quiet, or completely new stuff, but I’ll take it. They’ve even updated their Spotify artist photo with a new one featuring their more mature selves (including the returning guitarist), so this is for real, and not just a one-off b.s. charity single or some such bollocks. Woo! I’m genuinely excited.


CLASH OF THE TITANS


No, not the classic Harry Hamlin one (how is that guy getting more handsome the older he gets?!) but the 2010 “let’s cash in on the historical/fantasy epic fad” one. I’m only about 45 minutes in, but I’ve been laughing out loud nonstop. I ended up pausing the disc due to exhaustion, but I do wish to continue in the coming weeks. I feel this may make its way into my so-bad-it’s-good collection. I’d say they poured all their money into special effects so had no money left for decent actors, but Ralph Fiennes is in there, for goodness sakes! So what went wrong? Or right? Who knows, but I’m enjoying how utterly embarrassing it is, so I’lll dust it off soon enough and give y’all a double bill review, along with its sequel.


I WAS BETTER LAST NIGHT


When I saw Harvey Fierstein had a memoir on audiobook that he reads himself, I simply said: “Yes, I will buy that”. I didn’t say it excitedly, or dramatically, or emotionally, I said it just a statement of fact. I would own such a miracle. I’m only a chapter in, as I just purchased it before bed last night, but I’m already charmed by a man I actually know very little about. I’ve only seen him in a few things, but know I want to experience more. We already seem to share some traits, like boozing and man-boobs, both of which I’m sure curse our lives. He loves to be the centre of attention though, which I absolutely do not whatsoever. I shall update you on my progress!


FOO FIGHTERS


A band I’ve been avoiding for years, mainly due to Dave Grohl’s multitracked vocals hitting my ear wrong and none of their songs really grabbing me. But I’ve always been meaning to give them a proper go, especially since Grohl is, officially, one of the nicest guys in the world. So, after a day of giggling to Tenacious D (for whom he is the drummer), I thought I’d finally give the Foo an honest listen. I failed to be charmed by their charming first album, but then, during their second, I came to the song “My Hero”, which has one of those life-changing melodies that pinned me down instantly. Even the guitar riff has something captivating about it. So, yes, I’m sold.


BLUE JEANS


A contender for my “Subtitles Off” sub-series of posts, but I simply don’t have enough to say about it for a full review. I just wanted to mention it in passing. It’s a 1977 French coming-of-age film, about an exchange student visiting England who discovers he has an inclination towards other boys. It’s surprisingly chaste for a French film and sort-of peters out towards the end, but it’s enjoyably awkward and full of budding emotions, as such films usually are. Perhaps if I’d known what the actors were saying, I’d have been more engaged. But I didn’t. So I wasn’t. Still, the young actors successfully put the general message across in their physical performances, and the odd spattering of English dialogue, clearly written by someone for whom English is not their first language, is amusing. It’s also interesting how, while most of the 70s-era fashions are dependably grotesque, the lead actor has a timeless look to him. Perhaps that was intentional, due to there being, well, something different about his character.


Well, it’s been my birthday this week, so I’ve actually not been drinking, what with it being customary to do something out of the ordinary for such an occasion. This is my second day of sleep deprivation, however, so I believe I am about to crack. Say what you like about alcoholism, but at least you get your rest. I’ll have a shower and see how I feel. You’ll know what I decide should my next post take another fortnight.


Do stay in touch, darlings.


Toodles!

Friday, 3 May 2024

Happy 25th Birthday, Family Guy!

We currently live under a regime of tabloid mob rule, because of which I am scared to speak freely. One of the few people I admire, because of their courage to stand up and speak, is Seth MacFarlane. His comedy shows and movies are filled with all the stuff we apparently shouldn’t say, but saying it gets that stuff off our chests. It’s like a form of social Tourette syndrome. Bad things happen all the time, and they will never stop. So, basically, we have two options - either curly up into a fatal position on the floor and cry forever, or make jokes about the bad stuff. Seriously, that’s it. Those are our two options. I choose the latter. As does Mr Macfarlane and his team of liberal writers.


May they forever fight against mob rule and conservative social media tyranny.


Wednesday, 1 May 2024

The Addams Family (1991) - film review

Just a quick one before bed, as this film is hardly new to me.


I’ve been a little exhausted since my Goldie Hawn marathon, for which I had to write three reviews in a day. I haven’t worked that hard since I took my rubbish down to the wheelie bins last week. Alas! Anyway, can you believe it that not many people have read that post?! Apparently I’m not savvy to what the cool kids are into nowadays.


Oh well…


I bought this Blu-Ray, which is sadly underrepresented by special features, a year or so ago, but failed to give it a spin at the time. The Addams Family must have been one of those films I watched, after recording from television onto VHS, about a hundred times as a kid. I could say the same for Dark Star, Highlander, and The BFG. Not the shit Steven Spielberg BFG, the awesome Cosgrove-Hall animated one. This UK release of The Addams Family doesn’t even have a menu, for goodness sake! Plus, I was expecting a Barry Sonnenfeld commentary track, as he usually comes across as a great and willing raconteur. I’m guessing the US release is heartily packed with extras. The UK physical distribution industry is appalling at the moment.


I’m a nerd, dammit! I want to collect things!


Well, it was nice to finally sit down to The Addams Family after all these years. It’s a movie filled with characters that, like the vampires in What We Do in the Shadows and the replicants in Blade Runner, I can actually relate to very much. I don’t know why, but the story of “weird” shut-ins who, even though outcast by “normal” society, are still full of love and joy, is very close to my heart. I only wish I could find as much companionship as those loners, although I do have my generous stuffed toy collection.


Hmmm…


I wonder how many people, still to this day, believe The Addams Family was directed by Tim Burton. I suppose they can’t be blamed for thinking such a thing, as Burton and Sonnenfeld’s visual styles are quite similar. The same goes for A Nightmare Before Christmas, for which Burton merely wrote a paragraph-long story idea. Still, Sonnenfeld’s direction is immaculately confident for a first feature, although it is a shame that, like Jan de Bont, he gave up a sterling career as a cinematographer for an increasingly-mediocre directing career. Just look at that Miller’s Crossing film Sonnenfeld shot for the Coen Brothers. I mean look at it. Beautiful! I genuinely haven’t seen anything of his between 1997’s Men in Black and 2012’s Men in Black 3, or since. Which can’t be good. It looks like he’s been doing a lot of blah television work since the 90s. I’m guessing he won’t go back to cinematography due to money and ego reasons, which I hope allows him to sleep at night. I think Hollywood gave up on him after RV, which I’ve not heard terribly good things about.


Oh no, now I’m thinking about Robin Williams and getting all maudlin.


Sniff.


Golly, I do keep going rather off topic, don’t I!


I’d forgotten what a thrillingly un-politically correct film The Addams Family is, from Wednesday’s ongoing attempts to murder her brother, to Gomez and Morticia’s inappropriate lustful asides in public. It’s wonderful. I like how Morticia manages to pique the interest of an until-then prudish school teacher with some twisted family stories. I also noticed that annoying kid from the early archeological dig scene in Jurassic Park. See if you can spot him! You can tell him by his intensely dark eyelashes. This viewing also reminded me that I must count how many Dan Hedaya films I have in my collection. He turns up just as much as M Emmet Walsh.


Oh hey, they both starred in Blood Simple together! What a dreary film that is. I think I’ve only gotten through it once, but I do try every now and then. And fail. It’s just so boring. It must tie with The Grifters as being one of the most tedious film noirs available, although I do have a theory that The Grifters is actually a melodrama about the cycle of abuse. I should really watch that again too, just to see if my opinion has changed.


Look at me being sidetracked again! What were we talking about? Oh yeah, The Addams Family…


I think I’ve covered everything, to be honest. Although I can never say enough good things about Raul Julia. What a terrible, terrible loss! Apparently the awfulness of that Street Fighter movie is what finished him off. Bless. I’m sure he’s the best thing in it though, along with Kylie. I never liked The Addams Family Values, which I don’t have in my collection. Perhaps I should invest in that one and give it a second chance too (blimey, I’ve given myself a lot to do in this post!). Everyone but me seems to like it, but, then again, everyone seems to hate me except… except… uh oh.


Right, I best go to bed, as, after all, films must be watched and reviewed with a rested mind!


Can you believe I wrote this sober?!


Do stay in touch, darlings.


Toodles!