Something of a depressing one-off for you, dearest perplexed reader!
I just got told off by the people I’ve gone to for help with my drink problem, as I’m apparently being far too honest and detailed in my “drink journal” that they asked me to keep (and were initially very impressed with). It’s hard to say much about booze when you’re trying not to drink it, so I’ve been focussing more on the emotions that usually push me over the edge into a relapse.
But, nope, I couldn’t even get that right. Their suggestion is that I’m just to start a blog elsewhere on my own time and not to waste theirs. Hmm, I wonder…
So, for no other reason than petulant crybabying and I guess the fact that nobody else will read it, here is what I’ve been going through for the past few weeks. Because of all this, I now feel embarrassed and ashamed and ironically more like drinking than ever, and all thanks to the “support” I’m getting.
Was getting, as I’ve now told them I’m going to try and make it on my own. If I can’t be honest with these fucking people, then what’s the point?! No point, is the answer. I guess I’ll just never slot neatly into any one-size-fits-all health or education program.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
START OF JOURNAL
TUE 27 MAY
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: I ironically feel like drinking after discussing the negative aspects of drinking, not because I’m depressed, but the mere act of cataloguing my drinking habits with someone else has made me sort of miss it.
Update: This subsided after a hearty dinner and doing hobby stuff in the evening.
WED 28 MAY
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: A sense of general disinterest, which is often a prelude to drinking.
Update: Found something hobby-based to distract myself. Also made dinner, which usually helps to make me feel constructive and worthwhile.
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Disinterest increasing, with anxiety about workmen and deliveries the following day, which all could raise my desire for alcohol. My brain is also trying to include drinking as a reward for dealing with this personal admin, not just a solution to anxiety. Also feeling self-conscious about creative outlets, therefore a desire to numb emotions.
THU 29 MAY
Period: Morning
Booze: None
Feelings: Anxiously awaiting council workmen to potentially replace bedroom window. Hoping their behaviour will not be typically intimidating and provocative, otherwise it may turn me to drink.
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Relief and frustration regarding personal admin, so feel like “celebrating” with a drink.
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Random and intense anxiety attack. Feel like drinking to hide from invisible persecutors. It is 9 pm and an unknown takeaway driver just knocked on my door, mistaking my address for someone else’s. This has increased my sense of paranoia and desire to escape with drink.
SAT 31 MAY
Period: Morning
Booze: None
Feelings: Text message from friend saying she has just been to a gig. I have suggested we should get together for one in Sheffield. I now realise this may mean drinking, as I usually do at music concerts. Feeling confused about the situation. Could this be a legitimate excuse to fall of the wagon? The social event may never happen though, so I shouldn’t worry. I don’t go out in the evenings anymore. Not that I ever liked doing so anyway.
Period: Afternoon
Boos: None
Feelings: Feel like celebrating because of: a) it’s the weekend, b) successfully mastering a tricky guitar pedal, and c) writing a blog post.
Update: Had food instead, which calms my alcoholic desires.
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Considering whether to add booze to a grocery shopping order. For this, I am actively thinking ahead to what I have coming up during the week that I need to be sober for. The mere act of thinking about all of this is making me anxious. Just old habits, or a sign that I am about to break?!
Update: I did not end up ordering booze, although I do still have some in my kitchen.
SUN 01 JUN
Period: All Day
Booze: None
Feelings: In a strange headspace due to missing multiple antidepressants and diabetes medication. Mercifully calm, but suspicious and bored of the rare tranquility. I’m clearly never satisfied. Tempted to get drunk just to break up the monotony of being at peace. Engaging in guitar playing and music production to take my mind of things.
TUE 03 JUNE
Period: Early Morning
Booze: None
Feelings: Frustration over missed medication and insomnia, which is making me want to “punish the world” by getting drunk. Physically and mentally tired, but don’t feel like sleep is on the horizon. Have been awake 22 hours, minus two small kitty naps. Feeling very negative and hopeless.
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Slightly sleep deprived and suffering from multiple medication withdrawals. Low mood. About to open the day’s post, which includes a Brown Government Envelope of Doom, so am worried its contents may push me over the edge into drinking. Hate living in fear like this. I suppose it’s always been this way.
UPDATE: Letters were just junk and a nonthreatening rent statement.
FRI 6 JUNE
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Upset at writing an emotional blog post, which includes discussion of my alcoholic past. Wanting to drink to numb my emotions.
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Angry and frustrated due to missed antidepressants and lack of feedback over my blog content. Why don’t people talk anymore?! I want to douse my irritability by drinking, but concerned how unpredictable my behaviour will be. Also nervous about missing lots of diabetes medication, which is starting to cause negative side effects. Paranoid about AI on the internet and what’s real and what isn’t. Don’t feel like I can trust what I see or hear or read anymore. Want to drink to “punish the world” for these feelings. Should probably go to bed, but as if I’m going to sleep anytime soon anyway. Very upset.
SAT 07 JUNE
Period: Morning
Booze: None
Feelings: Sleep deprived. Suffering medication withdrawals. Upset at not getting creativity feedback/stats. Worried about a lump I’ve found on my toe. Somehow feeling everything and nothing at the same time, which is a common symptom of my sleep deprivation. Think I’m about to fall off the wagon. Very frightened. What’s stopping me: a lack of interest in actually getting drunk. I just don’t want to be sober. Then again, I can’t go on without sleep. Say what you will about alcoholism, but at least you get your rest.
Update: I ended up getting some much needed extra sleep and had a hearty lunch. This doused my desire for alcohol.
TUE 10 JUN
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Feel incredibly anxious, but also bored. In this situation, I would usually reason to myself: “Well, why don’t we just get drunk?! That’s something to do at least!”.
Update: I didn’t end up drinking. In fact, it never even occurred to me at the time. I simply began doing hobby stuff instead. This feels significant.
THU 12 JUN
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Annoyed at the sudden hot weather sapping my interest and ability to do sound engineering, which I was just getting back into after a couple of years. Worried that if the weather continues, I will start to drink just for something to do and pass the time. Wish I could hibernate until autumn. Really, really, wish it.
Update: A series of long naps followed, which were caused either by the heat or my finally going back on my diabetes medication. Or both, of course.
MON 16 JUN
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Positivity about leaving the flat, but also tempted to go to a pub whilst out. The “beer garden weather” certainly isn’t helping. Also concerned about going to a pub just out of habit, like I wouldn’t realise I was doing it until I sat down with a pint.
Update: Managed to get home in one sober piece, although I did have to listen to the taxi driver talking about his gout for 15 long minutes.
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Pride at finishing a story chapter, so feel like celebrating with alcohol.
Update: Rationalised that if I drink I won’t be able to write anything else for a week or so. This helped.
Period: Night
Booze: None
Feelings: Intense heat making me feel out of sorts. Considering drinking just to get through the heatwave.
Update: Lay on my bed and had a heavy kitty nap instead. This seems to be an increasing trend. I don’t get a major sleep-sleep, but 2 hour naps around the clock. Hitting the coffee hard, which is bizarrely aiding the sleep I do get.
TUE 17 JUN
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Sad that two friends haven’t replied to my text messages in days. Feel like drinking just to “punish them” and fill the void of loneliness.
Update: Have reminded myself that said friends have busy lives, including family and jobs and whatever, so I should just calm down and do some hobby stuff. Starting to think “Void of Loneliness: The James Wilson Story” will be the title of my depressing biopic.
Period: Everning
Booze: None
Feelings: Sudden spike in blog views making me anxious. Worried about a) AI software copying my writing and b) bitchy comments from trolls. Tempted to drink to boost my self-esteem so I feel better about the attention I appear to be getting. Why does being noticed frighten me so much?!
Update: Keeping away from my blog stats and watching video game walkthroughs instead. Have also had plenty of “toast therapy”, which just means eating lots of toast.
WED 18 JUN
Period: Morning
Booze: None
Feelings: Intense fatigue after kitty nap has put me in a bizarre headspace. Also anxious about missing call from ARC. Want to drink just to level the emotional playing field and feel “normal”. Is there such a thing?! Currently plotting what I would do with myself if I did start drinking. Just dropped my childhood teddy bear and it set off the vintage clockwork song inside him, which has made me feel nostalgic in a maudlin sense. “Him”?! Apparently I have given it a gender. I’d miss the innocence of youth, if it weren’t for the fact that I know Tiny Jim was just as worried about everything as Big Jim.
Update: Pringles. Lots of Pringles.
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Insufferable heat breaking my sobriety. Just can’t do anything. Also, friend who was using predictive responses to my emails has finally replied a week after my sarcastic message calling him up on it. Feel like I need to be drunk to deal with both. What’s stopping me this time? Absolutely nothing. Sigh.
Period: Evening
Booze: Whisky, 1 bottle
Feelings: Making plans to drink, including taking out booze from kitchen cupboard, deleting contacts from my phone (so I don’t upset anyone with “mischievous” drunk texts), and picking out appropriate viewing material to watch as I descend. The bright light in my head has returned and is consuming all other options. Everything I would usually do in order to stay sober has gone, thanks to the heat. It’s too hot to cook or eat or play guitar or write or sit still not doing anything at all. It’s all just gone. Feeling very alone and frightened.
Update: Snapped. Drunk. Fuck everything.
THU 19 JUN
Period: All day
Booze: Whisky, 1 bottle
Feelings: I do not remember this day, although I apparently messaged my dad, so I need to be more thorough with my contacts removal prior to getting drunk. I tried to engage him in a conversation, so of course he shut down. Also received two phone calls from different people. I do not remember who they were or what the conversations entailed. Possibly from ARC. No idea if any appointments were made. Rather concerned about this memory blackout.
FRI 20 JUN
Period: Morning
Booze: None
Feelings: Slowly sobering up, but questioning what I will get out of it. I do not have a nutritious answer. Think I’m just going to keep drinking. A guy is hitting on me in GTA Online because my character is female. Feel sad that I can’t be who he wants me to be. This is not helping my sobriety. Time for whisky.
Period: Afternoon
Booze: Whisky, 1 bottle
Feelings: None
SAT 21 JUN
Period: Morning
Booze: None
Feelings: Lying in bed suffering DTs. Anxious, paranoid, self-loathing.
Update: Finally get up for a bath and a hair of the dog.
Period: Afternoon
Booze: Whisky, 1 bottle + lager, 2 cans
Feelings: Perked up after booze top-up. Watching Bob’s Burgers and Keith Floyd.
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Long sleep after a hearty meal. Was so drunk I ate the curry I’d left on the kitchen counter the night before. Not a great idea in this weather. Couldn’t be bothered to dispose of it properly, I guess.
Period: Night
Booze: Whisky, 1/2 bottle
Feelings: It seems to be getting warmer. Insufferable. Did I mention I don’t like the summer? Watching some MST3K. Wish I was stranded alone in outer space too. Remember warming to Red Dwarf when I was little for that exact same reason,. Kinda bleak. I wasn’t very good at being young. Keep forgetting to take medication and fill out this blog. Booze doesn’t make me very responsible.
Period: Night
Booze: Whisky, 1/2 bottle + Lager, 2 cans
Feelings: Giggling along to Bob’s Burgers. While Louise is my favourite character, I identify the most with Tina. She’s just terrified of everything all the time, except for the bums of teenage boys. That’s my story! Also trying to perfect my Werner Herzog impression, but keep tipping over into Arnold Schwarzenegger territory. It’s the vowel sounds that keep tripping me up. Sweating a lot, even though I’m not moving. I hate summer. Did I mention that?
SUN 22 JUN
Period: All day
Booze: Whisky, 1 bottle + lager, 2 cans
Feelings: Somehow wrote a coherent blog post, but still drinking mechanically. Am officially addicted to the alcohol and can’t stop. The weather is cooling down though, so hopefully that will encourage my sobering up. We shall see.
MON 23 JUN
Period: Morning and Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Lying in bed suffering DTs. Confused, paranoid, uncontrolled thoughts. Committed to staying dry. Neighbours having a “battle of banging stuff”, which isn’t helping my anxiety. Then the illegal dog downstairs starts barking. Sigh. I should go live in a cave.
Update: Keep holding onto a mental totem, which is helping control my thoughts and calm me down.
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Woke up at around 9 pm. Still suffering DTs, but they have subsided enough for me to get up, have a bath, and do stuff in the lounge. Still shaking though, plus neighbours still making me anxious by just communicating with one another like human beings. May not be up too long. Everything still seems hopeless and dark.
Period: Night
Booze: None
Feelings: Cut nails and played a little guitar, so it means I’m emerging from alcoholic uselessness. Not much of an appetite, but that may be to do with the heat. Breeze picking up, which is taking the edge off things. DTs keep spiking, but hopefully that’s their death rattle.
Update: Only up for about 5 or 6 hours, as just couldn’t see any point in being out of bed anymore. Zero enthusiasm.
TUE 24 JUN
Period: Morning
Booze: None
Feelings: Still suffering, but it feels weaker. Managed some coffee and toast and a shave. Weather very inconsistent. Insufferably warm one minute, cool and breezy the next. Managed to listen to some music whilst playing simple games, but felt anxious doing it. Put in a grocery order for Wed. Giggling along to more MST3K. Trying to fight negative thoughts. Mental totem more important than ever.
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Major surge in anxiety, so went back to bed to try and calm down. Listened to some Mazzy Star, but the singer’s usually-sultry voice started creeping me out. Still very little appetite, although nothing in the kitchen interests me anyway. Might order something really greasy from a takeaway. Greasy I can probably handle.
Update: Microwave cottage pie happened. Now I’m even more depressed.
Period: Night
Booze: None
Feelings: A long-awaited drop in DTs. Think I may have actually felt the chemicals draining from my brain, although it may have just been me drifting in-and-out of a kitty nap. A great relief, but still not 100%. Paranoid due to strange sounds outside: a large crowd of people talking energetically, as if something dramatic was happening, and the unmistakeable (unless I did) sound of a ladder being risen. Concerned I may be under attack from unseen assailants. Got up and listened to music while playing games, although negative/persecutory thoughts kept creeping in again. Glad I have shopping arriving in the morning, as my cupboards are nigh empty (in true hangover fashion).
WED 25 JUN
Period: Morning
Booze: None
Feelings: Not a great sleep, but at least about 95% back to “normal” regarding DTs. Trying to engage in normal routine. Coffee. Music. Toast. About to go for my bath as I wait for shopping delivery. Weather still fluctuating rather frustratingly. At least I’m not pouring with sweat constantly. Played a bit more guitar during the night. As quietly as I could, of course. No shredding. As if I would anyway. Could just do with the world steering clear of me for just one more day.
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Got some sleep after shopping arrived. Feeling 99% recovered, although anxious about current events. Avoiding the news and talking to… anyone. So, yeah, things are back to normal. Anxiously awaiting the apocalypse. Wondering what kind of survivor I’ll make. Not a fearsome one. Guess I’d just find where all the booze was and stay there until raiders found me and removed my bones to make fashion accessories. Or is it “identity signalling” now?! Hmm, perhaps the world should indeed end.
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Still oh-so-slightly off, but getting there. A major kitty nap has gotten me through a rise in temperature. Just ordered some Chinese food as a treat for sobering back up. Not that I wouldn’t have ordered one anyway, but it’s nice to have an excuse for once! Calming down about paranoia and such, just waiting for my usual distractions to kick back in. Trying to remember what they actually are. Oh yes… everything!
Period: Night
Booze: None
Feelings: Random bursts of anxiety and paranoia and fear, thanks largely to noisy neighbours outside. I suspect one of them is involved in a drug ring, but have no evidence of this. Just bites of strange behaviour and random visitors. Suffering diabetes medication pains due to takeaway earlier. Oh well. Still feeling negative about most things, such as how pointless everything I try to do is as I’m such a worthless nobody hated by everyone. Hoping these feelings finally subside by tomorrow. Just hope I can sleep them off. We shall see.
THU 26 JUN
Period: All Day
Booze: None
Feelings: 100% over DTs, but still somewhat emotionally bruised by last week’s events. Still taking things slow. Wrote a blog post, in which I was honest about my relapse, which was difficult to admit. Feels good to say stuff out loud though. Back in contact with penpal, but still getting somewhat robotic responses. Shall keep contact to a daily or weekly basis, rather than hourly, so I don’t get frustrated again. No desire to drink, but heat certainly bothering me similarly to last week.
SAT 28 JUN
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Experiencing a very strange headspace today, possibly to do with the weather. Not feeling myself, or even safe. Cannot define why. Keep doing familiar activities in an attempt to reposition my emotions. Drunkenness creeping back onto the table. Beginning to fight again. Post-blog post comedown not helping. So much emotional effort writing something for nothing. Proud of my work, but wondering “Why bother?!”. Feeling very lonely and isolated. And sweaty.
Update: Sausage rolls and a kitty nap.
Period: Evening
Booze: None
Feelings: Major attack on self-esteem. Brain is coming up with all sorts of nasty memories to assault me with. Don’t feel like getting drunk, but feel like escaping somehow. Have tried toast therapy, but may have to resort to going to bed. Well, just lying still for 5 hours until I give up and pour myself my morning coffee. Sigh. It’s been so quiet today, even though it’s been noisy outside. The loneliness aches. Reasons to plow on with this shit escape me. I’m just existing.
SUN 29 JUN
Period: Afternoon
Booze: None
Feelings: Still more mental attacks, but not as severe as yesterday. Riding the wave. I think last week’s antics prepared me for this even-hotter weekend, so managing to cope with the temperature. Not feeling very creative, although it’s too warm to indulge in the arts anyway. The building’s so quiet. Wonder where everyone is. What party?! Perhaps they’re just sitting still sweating like me. No appetite, which is a shame. That’s, like, the one thing I’m good at. Well, one of two things. No hope, but not in a depressing way.
END OF JOURNAL
