Tuesday, 27 August 2024

[story corner]

DOOMSDAY HIVE


A distant, isolated colony of robot labourers race to survive a destructive solar flare and impending conflict with their human caretakers. This work of fiction may contain strong content and glaring scientific inaccuracies.


PART ONE

THE X41 WAVE


CHAPTER THREE


While much of the surface of Arles was covered with vegetation, what lay below the trunks of the mammoth plants, so important to the human population, was a freshwater ocean. Sauriol, a robot pest control operative from the Leather Clogs hive, weaved through the forest of, what looked like to the casual observer, to be ten-storey sunflowers with their heads upturned, searching for mischievous fauna.


Pilots of the crop collection drones became hive guards and hunters after they had served their intended phase of duty at the hive. Now into his second year of semi-retirement, Sauriol would stalk any given region in search of curious minds or simple trouble-makers. The planet’s fauna was not aggressive in a predatory way, but rather defensive and territorial. The life of a pest control hunter was a solitary, but tranquil, existence. One that Sauriol had felt he had earned.


His one-person hovercraft also had limited flight capabilities, which would take him only up to the flower of the giant plants. Also, it would lift him back into a drone, once one agreed to rescue him.


His marksman’s rifle lay beside him in the canoe. It was a Saline-Rigg Sharp S-12, a classic piece of equipment. It was not as efficient as the precision, long-range assault rifles used by most hunters, but Sauriol found it made his job more exciting. It was a one-shot device and, on most occasions, one shot was all Sauriol needed.


Some argued that this was less impressive for a robot to accomplish, what with his increased sensory perception, but Sauriol stubbornly clung to his metallic pride.


The sunflowers seemed especially thirsty today. The trunks pulsating with nutritious liquid intake. Sauriol began running an atmospheric test, in case there were any unusual chemicals in the air that needed reporting to the hives in the region. There had also been a significant surge in fauna boreholes in the stems, which may end up having an adverse effect on crop harvesting.


When the humans first discovered Arles, they noticed that the twin moons of Vincent and Theo spewed their own unique minerals into Arles’ atmosphere. These minerals, combined, whilst airborne, then slowly descended over the planet’s vast fields below, fertilising a crop which speedily replenished carbon-based cells and curtailed DNA interference. The humans realised this crop could be harvested and ingested to make landing on other alien worlds less dangerous, as the crop would reduce or completely eradicate the negative effects of extreme gravity, air composition, and radiation intensity on the human body. Without the crop in pill form, parts of the universe would see a human being’s body positively boiling with radioactive tumours. The controversial issue was, the natural process of moon-to-planet fertilisation served to be prohibitively slow, which was why Johannastad, and the hives, were set up - to increase production. Vincent and Theo were mined for their minerals, which were brewed in transit to Arles, then sprayed over the fields below. One standard Earth year later, the drones would launch out of their hive complexes to collect the crop, delivering their finds to the queen harvester, who brought it all back to their factory. Within the factory, the mature crop was prepared, during which time a pasteurising process took place. This final form was delivered to Johannastad to be modified into edible pill-form and stored.


NO GASEOUS ANOMALIES DETECTED… ONE HUMAN PRESENCE DETECTED AT 300 YARDS…


Stated the analyser on Sauriol’s body.


The robot hunter flicked out his Vorstedt Protector pistol, which he kept on his person for close-proximity removals. There was nothing currently in sight, but Sauriol knew that, on this world, that meant very little. A fauna borehole on a stem nearby showed signs of recent activity. He fired one shot at the water near the stem’s base. There was a minute gasp of air in shocked response.


Sauriol lowered himself into the two-foot deep swamp and crept forward.


“Hive hunter, show yourself!” He said, balancing confrontation and authority.


A small pair of hands rose above the lower lip of the borehole.


“Don’t shoot! I’m a human!”


Sauriol’s, his synthetic instinct reassuring him there was no real danger, holstered his pistol.


“Come on out, you’re in no danger.” He said, taking a step back.


Much to Sauriol’s surprise, a young boy, of particularly short-stature and light frameb fell out of the borehole into the swamp. The hunter raced forward and helped the child to his feet. The boy looked down at his soaked attire and rolled his eyes.


“Oh great, just what I needed!” He said, fishing various small personal affects from his pockets.


“What are you doing down here, child?” Said Sauriol, lifting the boy into his canoe. “I heard no report of any shuttle crashes in the vicinity.”


The boy began flipping his attire across the side of the boat to dry in Arles’ particularly balmy midday sun.


“I’ve decided to make it on my own.” He said, sniffling emotionally. “I’ve had enough of robots and humans.”


Sauriol changed his demeanour to a relaxed one, promoting openness and a willingness to share intimate thoughts and feelings. While this behaviour was not one he had made use of before, it had always been stored in his mind for potential use, especially around humans.


“People are just the worst, I agree.” Said Sauriol, concocting possible negotiations in his head. “That is why I prefer working alone.”


The boy snorted.


“Maybe I should become a robot.” Said the boy, laying back to dry himself off. “How much does being a robot pay?”


“Nothing, if you’re a hunk of metal, I’m afraid.” Sauriol said, removing the boy’s clothes from the side of the canoe one by one and flapping them energetically in the air to promote drying. “What iss your name?”


“Maybe I don’t have one anymore.” Said the boy, staring into the infinite. “Nobody owns me anymore.”


Sauriol consulted his scanner.


“Samuel Howard?” He said, scrolling through the boy’s digital biography. “Housed on the Theo-side of Johannastad. Stationed at Majolica Jug hive until this morning. Booked on a shuttle due to leave Arles three hours ago. Did not check-in. Wanted for alleged theft of hive property.”


Sammy could not repress a cheeky smile.


“You’ve got the wrong guy.” The boy said, adjusting his weight as the canoe drifted into a conflicting tide.


“So what happened?” Said Sauriol, replacing the boy’s clothes back onto the boat’s gunnel.


After a futile minute of refuting silence, the boy finally decided to drop his hardened persona.


“I was just being me.” He said, wiping his eyes. “It happens all the time. I get up in the morning, act like me, then get into trouble for it.”


A bird screeched and hurriedly flapped by. Sauriol, forgetting who he was sat with and the tone of the situation, instinctively took a shot at the bird with his marksman’s rifle, without wasting a single cell of energy. The boy smiled and lifted himself up onto his elbows.


“Cool!” He said, shading his eyes to see where the bird had fallen. “Think you could teach me how to do that?”


Sauriol emptied the spent casing from the rifle’s chamber.


“Sure.” The robot said, flipping the safety on and placing the rifle down at the boy’s feet. “But first, we need to get you onto dry land.”


Sammy sat up proper, a frown darkening his youthful features.


“I’m not going back up to Johannastad!” He said. “Or the hive. I’ve had twenty-four hours of people shouting in my ear. I can’t take anymore!”


Sauriol nodded.


“Well, there’s a robot hangout not too far from here. They’ve got some human provisions there. It’ll give you some time to freshen up and clear your head.” Said Sauriol, checking the coordinates before even getting an answer.


Sammy nodded.


“Sure, I could go for a drink.” The boy said, pulling his t-shirt back over his head. “Your round?”


As the canoe’s engine spat into life and edged the human boy and robot hunter forward, a deep laugh echoed amongst the pillars of sunflowers.


⬅︎ PREVIOUS CHAPTER

Sunday, 18 August 2024

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) - film review

Quite what newness the subtitle of this seventh entry into the increasingly-tiresome Friday the 13th saga refers to is anybody’s guess, but perhaps it’s the introduction of Carrie-like supernatural elements. While certainly out of place in this series, these elements are, at the very least, something bordering on new.


You’re going to get a lot of italics within these paragraphs, darlings, so hold tight.


I began writing a negative review in my head almost immediately as the film started, hoping that, eventually, I’d be proven wrong and have to start afresh once I sat down to type. But nah, I really don’t want to give The New Blood any more credit than it deserves. In general, I try my best not to be a snob about stuff, but this film really wants me to be one. It’s practically begging me.


Fine.


I’m actually struggling to decide on how to structure my review, so you’ll have to endure my interior monologue as you read. It’s just gone ten o’clock at night on a Sunday and I’m trying to decide what I need to add to my grocery order that’s arriving tomorrow morning. I’ve got until midnight. I finally cleaned my gross bathroom earlier, which is a relief. There’s some noise outside my building from the neighbours, but that’s nothing new. I’ve just emerged from a week of harmful binge-drinking, but that’s nothing new either.


Anyway, onwards…


Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood fails to successfully set-up who the fuck any of its characters are or why we should care even one tiny bit. The filmmakers have offered minor motivations and personality traits to actors barely able to string two words together. There’s one actress who seems to be from another planet entirely, but I can’t narrow that down for you. Oh wait, she’s the one who gets thrown through a window. Yeah, that’s her.


The great Terry Kiser is present to keep things roughly afloat. He really should be wearing a t-shirt throughout that reads: “I’M TOO GOOD FOR THIS MOVIE”. And he’d be right to do so. I believe that man will outlive us all.


Who knows where this instalment is set within the timeline of the series, as quite a significant period seems to have elapsed since the end of Part VI. Well over a decade, I would say, but it still appears mired in the 1980s. The hairdos are full and buoyant, the music’s terrible, and there’s so much denim on display that… erm… I dunno, I don’t have any references regarding denim with which to make a joke. I mean, does anybody?!



While I’ve not read any notes on the making of this one, I believe it suffered a spike in late-80s conservatism, so many of the kills were, ironically, botched beyond recognition by censors. Whether a complete cut of these moments would save the rest of the film, I guess we will never know.


We get a camper element here than usual, and I’m not talking about the cabins at Crystal Lake. Boom. In fact, at precisely 33 minutes into my viewing, I said out loud to no-one: “Is this film for real?!”. Add to that some lough-out-loud moments thanks to the aforementioned abysmal actors, and you could actually dig out a pretty enjoyable experience from this worm-filled grave. Perhaps I’ll rewatch it for the same reason I rewatch Aliens vs. Predator (2004) quite regularly.


You know, for laughs.


There’s some glorious synthesiser beats in the score, a score which I’m assuming mostly uses stock music cues from the previous entries, hence the duo of credited composers. It’s always a good sign when a production can’t afford one of its tried-and-tested contributors.


So, yeah, pretty much everybody dies, there’s some mildly-diverting nudity, and I didn’t care one jot about any of it.


Keep reaching for those stars, Hollywood!


Oh well, at least I only have three more to go. Come on, Jim, you can do this!


Do stay in touch, darlings.


Toodles!

Tuesday, 6 August 2024

Xanadu (1980) - film review

Well, now I can say I’ve done that.


Since the dawn of time, mankind has asked: what would it be like if you combined angular pre-World War II art deco and shabby post-Summer of Love flamboyance? Then the universe gave us Olivia Newton-John, keen to produce a multi-million dollar love letter to herself, and our question was finally answered.


I’ve had this Blu-ray tucked away for a couple of years now, unable to pick the right time to watch it. Then again, waiting until you’re in the right mood to watch an Olivia Newton-John movie is like waiting to be in the right mood to watch a film about genocide - you’ll never be, so you may as well just do it.


If you’ve ever found yourself debating whether to watch Annie Hall or Tron, then Xanadu’s the film for you! Who knows what it’s about, but, saying that, most musicals are pretty incoherent anyway. I mean, does anyone truly know what The Rocky Horror Picture Show is about?! I’ll be damned if I know. But, according to a few episodes of American Dad, this is one of Roger Smith’s favourite things ever, so, what with being a sexually-ambiguous, alcoholic shut-in myself, I felt I had to experience it.


All I knew about Xanadu ahead of time was that it’s a box-office-bomb-turned-camp-cult-classic. Lots of hyphens there. I’ve also heard the title song before, as we all have, but always assumed it was an ABBA number. Which says a lot about the film’s music overall. If you like ABBA and Queen, then you’re in the right place!


The film is shot with so much soft-focus that I genuinely thought my cataracts were returning at one point. That’s the late-1070s for you, I guess. There really isn’t much else to say about the filmmaking, which is predominantly basic point-and-shoot stuff. There’s more thought put into a studio-based sitcom.


The story meanders to life in a rather un-engaging way, setting up a story about art coming to life, or something. While Newton-John literally plays a figure from Greek mythology, she’s really just meant to be the spirit of music or creativity or some such bollocks. Who knows. Still, her usual otherworldly-strangeness works well in this instance, although this doesn’t prevent much of her reading of the dialogue being hilarious.


I was expecting Gene Kelly to have little more than an extended cameo, but no, surprisingly he’s a pivotal part of the whole thing. He also has more energy, in his senior years, than the dull kids around him. Goodness knows what must have been going through his mind as he sat through one excruciating scene after another.


What a pro.


Xanadu is charming enough however, and certainly worthy of its cult status. I’ll probably just listen to the soundtrack in future, rather than watching the film itself again. But you never know. There isn’t quite enough visual panache to interest me, and the dialogue is bogged down in endless exposition. It actually all feels like a Star Wars prequel, if I’m honest.


The final musical medley is catastrophically wrong-footed, although we do get to hear “Xanadu” again. Newton-John even sports Lindsay Lohan’s favourite hairdo for it.


Right, time for some much-deserved dizzy water.


Do stay in touch, darlings.


Toodles!

Monday, 5 August 2024

RIP Martin Mull

I’ve generally made a staunch commitment to not reading the news anymore, due to its gossipy-bias that harms the love between each and every one of us, so I’m not always aware when a significant figure in our society passes away. I was just watching an episode of a television show where Martin Mull appears, and so, just out of curiosity, checked to see how old the actor was. Much to my dismay, I was thus informed he had passed away a couple of months ago.


Whilst not an actor I know to have any significant leading roles, he was always there, in the background, doing what all great character actors do - making everything better. He gave me my first piss-my-pants funny moment (no, really) as a kid when he reacts hilariously to a chandelier falling in Clue. He made me realise that being LGBT wasn’t wrong, as Rosanne’s proud gay boss in her titular sitcom. He’s made me scream with joy as the Bluth family’s fairly useless private investigator, Gene Parmesan, in Arrested Development. And he turns up time and time again, doing stand-out voice over work, in the Seth MacFarlane shows.


He was respected, not only by audiences, but by his Hollywood piers, across the board.


This feels like when we lost Jim Henson and Robin Williams.


I’m sorry to see you go, Martin. You made all our lives, in this dark and cynical world of fear, just that little bit brighter.


Rest in peace.