Fan fiction

While I have never seen the Taken sequels, nor will I ever, I still find myself somewhat burdened with something of an interest in continuing the storyline and characters.

I also despise Blade Runner 2049, with a passion that cannot be equalled. I will not outline why here, but rest assured it does burn very, very brightly.

So, hey, why not?!

I published my remake of Return of the Jedi here, so perhaps I should keep on going. After all, not going on will surely make me miserable.

I do not ask for your fogginess, I simply ask that you read.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Some things never change

A great piece of satire, this is a perfect microcosm of modern life on social media. No wonder I have now left most of it.

Thank goodness for having a little bit of Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie in one’s life.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

The Pit Ponies

I thought I best attempt to write this now, while my mind is racing, otherwise I may never find peace.

By some bizarre twist of fate, YouTube just recommended to me a profile of song recordings I made between 2008 and 2011. They are of amateurish quality, especially my own “singing” voice, but I had no idea that they still existed. Most significantly, two of the songs contain the voice of my ex-girlfriend, who sadly passed away three years ago from heart failure. One track was recorded on ProTools in 2008 at my previous home in Huntingdon, while the other was recorded live by someone else at a music festival in 2011.

I do not know what algorithm or what-have-you drove YouTube to point me in the direction of my old YouTube account, an account which I forgot even existed, but it instantly sent a chill down my spine.

AS YOU RUN OUT OF YOUR LIES

Surely not something you should get your girlfriend to sing, but I’ve never been that bright. She was my first long-term partner, so I was a bit clueless about such things. This fact, I believe, is a fair excuse for my stupidity. I remember really struggling with the mix on this song, as I was still learning how to use the technology and even approach mixing conceptually. Basically, what was in the left pan worked better in the right, and visa versa. I initially recorded it without any vocals at all, but it did exist in my head as a completed song with lyrics. Then my new girlfriend stayed over one weekend and showed interest in recording something. As became commonplace, her enthusiasm waned the second I called her bluff. Still, we got it done in only a few takes and she seemed happy with the results. It was the track I used to try starting our little career as a musical duo act, which she named “The Pit Ponies”. Our act obviously did not get off the ground, mostly due to my lack of confidence. My other strong memory of this song is playing it in a songwriting group that met in Hillsborough, where, halfway through, the little girl of one of the other songwriters started singing along. This, as one may presume, encouraged me somewhat.

SOFT LIGHT

This was recorded at a city-wide music festival in Sheffield, around the summer of 2011. It was billed as an “open mic session”, but actually seemed to draw much more precessional musicians. I was sort of annoyed that I had been lured into such a situation, as my confidence and skills certainly were not there by that stage. You could argue they still are not. I just wanted to play amongst other amateurs. I was even more embarrassed when, after positing the video on Facebook, a tactless soul simply cemented “Oops” underneath. Sigh. I only realised at the last minute that the song accidentally contained religious symbolism, thus had to race to rewrite the lyrics and get my girlfriend to learn them before the performance started. Up until now, I really had rather this recording no longer exist, but, since it features the only other recording of a voice that is no longer on this Earth, I couldn’t help but feel the need to share it one last time.

Well, that’s that. I have not dared to listen back to these recordings myself, as I am not emotionally ready. Perhaps I will in the coming weeks. Who knows. So, basically, if what I have described is not there, then please let me know. I will not be testing the links tonight.

For Anna, My Soulmate

[story corner]

SEBASTIAN AND DANIEL

A semi-autobiographical LGBT coming-of-age story about a pair of social outcasts who find peace within each other’s company. May contain uncompromising real-world situations.

CHAPTER FOUR

While not terribly in the spirit of the moment, Daniel Gemak stood there in the most passive of ways one could stand. He enjoyed sports, more than any other subject the primary school threw at him, but today was something of a contradiction. Although a mixed sex institution, there still somehow seemed to be a great parting of ways between the genders. His male peers enjoyed mocking Daniel for his alleged-working-class upbringing and requirement for charitable dinners.

On a broader matter, Daniel’s father simply was not around. In fact, Daniel did not know who his seed-bearer was. Daniel’s mother admitted the man was to be seen around Sutteroe estate, smoking and drinking, but she flatly refused to point him out. Perhaps the man would request custody rights or some form of compensation, therefore he remained ignorant of his offspring.

So, in rhetorical angst, what is one to do?! Daniel neither knew nor cared. He simply stood there, his skinny body being laughed at by the puppy-fat boys around him. Through the changing room walls, he could hear his female classmates giggling. They were revealed as something of an entertaining troupe. Boys mostly talked of smashing things and grotesque body noises. Although certainly a physical child by nature, Daniel preferred none of the things apparently required of him by nature.

Methodically, he dried himself off and returned to his grey uniform. It had not been washed in weeks, therefore the boy was the subject of further mockery regarding his stench. Rumour had it that he would soon be diverted into the headmistress' office for discussion regarding his upbringing. Daniel did not know how to explain his domestic situation. While certainly of rougher means, he foolishly loved his mother and sister to a naive extreme, so found no reason to accuse them of neglect.

The day rambled on, however, and all the boys continued to point at Daniel and laugh. Nothing good would come of this, said the murmur in Daniel’s heart.

Things would have to change.

⬅︎ PREVIOUS CHAPTER

My Journey with Werner Herzog, Part Five

Almost a decade later and I now view Werner as more a fixture of comedy, rather than sobriety. His move to acting work on shows like Rick and Morty and American Dad! have somewhat diminished his seriousness. Basically, it’s hard to hear the man’s voice now without chuckling.

Such appearances are meant to be respectful though,  which is part of my attempt to understand Mr Herzog.

Why do people love him so much?! I am at a loss to know, hence this blog series.

GRIZZLY MAN

This is more a film about a deeply closeted homosexual than anything else. Good grief. This narcissist is in total denial about himself. Nobody can possibly watch this and feel sympathy for Timothy Treadwell. We all feel sorry for Amie Huguenard, who was tragically pulled into his singularity of crazy. Nothing about the footage Treadwell shot of himself redeems him.

He wanted to die, and he makes that abundantly clear.

I was surprised that the scene where Herzog listens to the sounds of Tim and Amie dying come only halfway through the film, which made me respect it even more. This meant it wasn’t used as some sort of provocative finale. The moment when the ex-girlfriend of Treadwell’s actually says “Werner” is the moment I started crying.

Mr Herzog has the reputation of being a great man. I do not believe this to be true. I simply believe he is a man trying to figure out how the world works. Grizzly Man is one of those attempts. Werner doesn’t know much, but that does not make him ignorant. If he does not have the documentary material, he will make a work of fiction. The two are interchangeable.

We are better for this.

RIP David Lynch

I’m sure greater minds and more skilled writers across the world have more eloquent things to say in this sad moment, so I shall allow you to go forth and discover them and keep my own thoughts rather brief.

I’ve made no secret of or apology for the fact that Dune (1984) is one of my most favourite films of all-time. A work of pure cinema, from Virginia Madsen’s devastating pre-titles monologue directly into camera to the insanely camp portraits of the cast over the closing credits. The cinematography, music, production design, costumes, acting, and of course direction, create something of a perfect film for me. That many shortsighted folk dismiss it because of its “bad” special effects completely baffles me. If that’s all that matters to you, then perhaps you shouldn’t be reviewing art.

David Lynch was a true individual who, even when making something “mainstream”, refused to compromise his own vision, much to his rejection by critics.

But what the fuck do they know?!

In a strange way, I’m actually quite encouraged that he’s passed into any afterlife that may really be out there. I mean, can you imagine the “grand” person in charge of the universe walking up to David Lynch and trying to tell him how things are supposed to go down?! Good grief. If there is something else out there, I’m sure it will be changed for the better very soon.

Goodbye, David, you will forever be an inspiration to those on the fringe. 

The Whittling Post Digest - Issue 11

Happy New Year, folks! Golly, I didn’t realise it’d been so long since I’d written one of these things. The winter shutdown period is pretty hard on single shut-ins who aren’t close to their families, so it must be admitted that I’ve been pickled in cheap supermarket whisky for the past couple of weeks. Every year I say I won’t dive into an alcoholic abyss, but then the winter shutdown actually happens.

What can I say.

So, yeah, I haven’t exactly been swimming in culture lately, hence no digests. But, hey, let’s start writing and see what happens, shall we?!

CHEERS

After finally completing Bored to Death, I thought I’d go back in time and rewatch the show that made Ted Danson a legend. Truth be told, I’ve always been more familiar with the Kirsty Alley period of Cheers, rather than Shelley Long’s stint. I much prefer Alley as an actress, as Long always reminds me of my mother. After seeing Long on a few episodes of Modern Family, however, I’ve actually warmed to her, so watching this classic sitcom from the start didn’t seem as daunting as it once did. I’m currently on the third episode and not regretting my boxset purchase at all. I was worried the humour would be dated and fall flat on my modern ears, but that’s not the case at all! It’s fun seeing little bit parts by prolific character actors and future stars, which adds another level to my viewing experience. There’s no Woody Harrelson or Kelsey Grammer as yet, so I’ll check when they join the show. Or just leave it as a nice surprise. Maybe they turn up with Alley, I’m not sure. Still, the theme tune always moves me, as it did when I was little. I was always sad when an episode on TV ended. I’m not saying Cheers is to blame for my penchant for frequenting drinking establishments, but 8-year-old me did start to pretend his sippy cup of milk was a tankard of ale after a certain point. While my sitcom boxset rotation usually sticks to more recent releases, I think I’m going to enjoy this 80s stalwart very much!

SPOON

Speaking of Bored to Death. I can’t remember which episode it was or which song they used, but I discovered this Texan band when one of their tracks was used over the end credits of said show. Surely the inspiration for artists such as The Hold Steady (although Spoon’s singer I can actually stand) and Albert Hammond Jr, it’s both fierce and melodic alt/indie punk rock at its finest, filled with great production ideas and mixing. My favourite song so far is “Car Radio”, especially the percussion shaker that enters the left stereo pan at key moments. The songs feel like they were constructed during jams, as there’s a loose feel to their structure. I can’t wait to listen to more, and I’m so glad there are always new bands out there for me to discover! Isn’t music great?!

GOLGO 13: THE PROFESSIONAL

I bought the DVD for this 1983 anime feature about 20 years ago, but I don’t think I’ve watched it since. More’s the pity, as it’s such a fabulous film. I believe my reason for not watching it much is it’s emotional power. It’s a 70s-style but 80s-made hitman thriller, steeped in revenge and sex and car chases and shootouts. The overall tone is a bleak one, however, with the central theme being how the titular assassin works at the coalface of human misery. I mean, nothing cheerful happens in this movie. There are fleeting moments of joy, usually when characters are writhing around naked with one another, but then there are times when those moments aren’t so joyful. Apparently the first film to ever incorporate CGI, it sadly doesn’t get much recognition for it due to being animated. Shame. Still, that sequence, involving helicopters, is very short, but interesting to take note of. The rest of the animation is hand-animated and truly unique. Your mind will boggle at some of the set pieces and the novel concepts behind the filmmaking. You’ll also gasp at the various twists and turns in the story and cry at the sudden eruptions of emotion. You’ll never forget Golgo 13, as I’m sure he does not forget his victims. Do be sure to watch it, but leave your faint heart at the door.

Well, that’s enough for now. I’m currently in the midst of a major anxiety attack, so I’ll finish up posting this and go vibrate in the corner for a while.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!