Of late, life seems to have settled down a bit. For me, at least. I’ve given up watching or reading disheartening news bulletins altogether, which helps my mood considerably. I get it, good and bad things happen all the time, blah blah blah. Just let me know when the nukes start dropping. I’m also off that nasty medication, getting used to my new diet, and waking up during daylight hours. And… well… I think that’s about it. Simple improvements. Still, there are the same old noisy neighbours. Same old random anxiety attacks. Same old sitting by the window lamenting the cruel nature of the universe.
But, it’s okay, because there’s always Gamera!
So, here I am: a shy, awkward, lonely nerd, sitting in my underpants at 8 am in gloomy South Yorkshire, firing up the boxset of vintage Japanese kaiju movies featuring a giant, flying, spinning turtle with uncertain motivations. And a very certain fondness for little boys. Cough. Oh well, I guess you can’t hold giant, flying, spinning turtles to the same moral standards as human beings.
Anyway, enough clarity in legal definitions, let us indeed find another monster for Gamera to battle and smash some toy buildings!
Yay!
GAMERA VS. GUIRON (1969)
Ah ha! This time we get an updated English dub, as well as the first pass at it. The latter being one of the worst things you’ll ever hear in your life. So bad I’d even describe it as “surreal”. But, being a glutton for punishment, I’m watching these in Japanese without subtitles. Well, really because I can’t stand hearing the English language anymore. But enough political griping. Gamera the turtle now seems to alternate, not just between hanging out on Earth and in space, but between spinning and propelling himself/herself along with fiery flatulence. I feel its pain! This time, we get another pair of mischievous boys stealing a vehicle to go for a joyride, only this time it’s an alien spacecraft. The boys end up on the kaiju homeworld, where giant monster fights just happen all the time. Although, I guess on this planet, they’re just normal-sized monsters being visited by tiny humans. The boys, thus we, sit and watch this going on for awhile, as further plot developments fight Monday morning traffic to reach us. These developments appear in the form of two scantily-clad BDSM space-babes, whom our short-arsed protagonists don’t seem at all threatened to be in the presence of. I can’t imagine why. Well, this is until one of the boys has his head shaved and drilled into, which is truly disturbing. I’ll stop with my running commentary of the goings on here, as all points ultimately lead to the “versus” portion of the plot. I know it. You know it. So, after yet another catch-up of the previous films, albeit mercifully-shorter than the toilet-break-friendly one we got in Viras, Gamera finally has a showdown with Guiron, which is possibly the silliest fight we’ve had thus far. Which is really, really saying something. Knowing the liberal Japanese spirit, the rhino-like design of Guiron, with its ginormous, erect horn, is probably a metaphor for the two boys noticing women for the first time, or perhaps I’m looking for meaning where there is none. Regardless, this instalment is as ridiculously fluffy as the previous one, which now looks like a dry-run for its successor. You know, in a The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings and Terminator/Terminator 2 sort of a way. The filmmakers just didn’t get their artistic vision right first time. I’d put Gamera vs. Guiron alongside Barugon as being one of the best-looking of the series, especially with the creation of the alien landscape. There’s also an impressive moment where the two boys ride in Gamera’s giant, erm, hand or paw or flipper or whatever, which genuinely looks like modern CGI. A “special effect” in the truest sense of the word, as it makes you wonder how on not-Earth they did it. An absolute delight from start to finish! Oh and the boys’ little sister is just adorable, which I’d feel awful for neglecting to mention.
GAMERA VS. JIGER (1970)
I’ve gotten into the habit of writing these mini-reviews as each film unfolds, being so excited and inspired to comment that I just can’t wait for the full 80 minutes to transpire, so it signalled a bad omen that I was content to just sit all the way through this one before budging. I simply had nothing to say. It’s certainly not a bad film, but it lacks something of a personality. Maybe I just got out of bed on the wrong side or something, which happens regularly enough. After the wacky space adventures of the last two entries, Jiger brings things plummeting back down to Earth. With a dull thud. A volcano goes off, waking the titular Jiger, then Gamera farts into view and fights it. The street-level protagonists, once again a pair of boys, are this time much older adolescents, which leads me to believe that maybe the series had picked up a following of teenage girls. These two boys commandeer a submersible, just like the Viras pair did, to go revive Gamera, who finds itself badly out for the count. I think there’s then some exploration of a watery cave, in which the boys encounter a mini-kaiju for some relatable running about. The mini-kaiju then squirts sticky white fluid at the boys, which I shall comment on no further. Curiously, one of the boys appears to be a Western actor, or at least of mixed-race. I kept trying to work out whether he was really speaking Japanese, or whether he had been dubbed by a local performer. I’m still out on the matter. The Western character’s name is “Tommy Williams”, which is surely the equivalent of a Western writer awkwardly cobbling together a plain East Asian name. In terms of filmmaking, there is one interesting tracking shot of mass destruction, which is genuinely impressive, but that’s about as artistic as things get. I guess Tokyo Tower does get stomped on once again, which is always fun to see, then Gamera eventually gets up and defeats Jiger. The end. There’s little else to say about events really. The actor playing “Tommy Williams” isn’t the worst looking young man in the world, so, if one were so-inclined, there’s always that. I predicted, in the first of these posts, that I would eventually start running out of things to say, with this one finally breaking me. Mercifully though, the film doesn’t outstay its welcome, having so very little to say for itself anyway. Is that a positive observation? You are welcome to take it as such. Be sure to brew some coffee or amphetamines before pressing PLAY. Unless I really am in a grumpy mood this morning, in which case Jiger may very well be considered the best of the series by some. MST3K skipped over it, which could also be a bad omen for you fine folk. Perhaps you should skip over it too.
Well, there you have it, the penultimate part of my babbling on about something of little-to-no consequence to anyone. I suppose that could be used to describe my existence in general.
These aren’t the most popular of my posts, being as ignored as my abandoned Twilight Zone commentaries. Still, as with that ill-fated article series, I’m enjoying going through the Showa Era of Gamera epics regardless.
Call these posts “art for art’s sake”, if you will.
Think I’ll get drunk later. I’ve certainly earned it.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
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