The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn – film review

I wasn’t sure if I needed to be curious or concerned about whether Steven Spielberg’s visual style would successfully translate to an animated feature or whether The Adventures Of Tintin: The Secret Of The Unicorn would turn out to be a flat but pretty looking trailer for a video game. How relieved I was, then, to have it confirmed that Spielberg’s prowess as a director is not only in his placement of the camera and the framing therein, but also in the manipulation of the three-dimensional (and I don’t mean in terms of 3D filmmaking) world before it. He treats his set, be it real or virtual, like a theatre stage and utilises the space he’s been given to maximum effect. To his credit, Spielberg has not let The Secret Of The Unicorn slip away from him into the hands of digital artists; his puppet master’s strings are pulling on every movement and detail throughout, never allowing you to forget who’s show this is.

When I sat down to watch Tintin after a long and tiring day of fruitless travelling I’d planned only to watch the first five minutes to give my excited little mind a taste of what I’d anxiously been waiting months and months for. About forty five minutes later I was still watching, unable to tear myself away from the stream-of-consciousness, runaway train of a storyline that hardly stops for a breath. The narrative mimics the ever calculating and deducing mind of it’s titular character, who’s always trying to find something positive and constructive in the moment, even when a trail goes dead. Tintin, who sometimes seems to be suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder or a condition somewhere along the autism spectrum, needs to report on something, even if he only completes half the adventure; but often that acceptance of “failure” opens up his mind, and the film’s story, to new ideas and possibilities.

In some ways I was startled by the greediness of the plot to utilise every action-adventure mechanism it could without holding back with a profiteering eye for sequels and spin-offs. It guzzles joyous clichés like a big, erm, cliché guzzling machine. But within the non-stop spinning cogs of the plot is a balleticism and poetry to the way each set-piece hands the baton over to the next. It’s not bloated and cold, it’s just eager and full of energy like a young boy playing with his collection of action figures.

The skill apparent in Steven Moffat, Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish’s screenplay is it’s tendency to allow time for character’s (and our feelings for them) to develop amidst the chaos; in fact they write the intimate scenes as if they too were action scenes. We learn about our protagonists’ back stories and lives whilst they’re dangling from boats and biplanes and cranes. It’s all in there, you just don’t notice it half the time until you’re cheering characters on and rooting for them to escape danger.

Elsewhere the strong vocal talents are an essential weapon in the film’s arsenal, although you can hardly recognise Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as the bickering Thompson twins, but I think there’s been a little tweaking going on in the studio to line the two very different sounding actors up. Daniel Craig flexes his vocal range as the dastardly villain and shows us he can do more than just play sombre, monotone secret agents. But at the core of the film is the charmingly destructive trapeze act of a relationship that’s shared between Tintin and Captain Haddock, played by Jamie Bell and Andy Serkis respectively, both of whom turn potentially one-dimension characters into many-faceted eccentrics; both aiding and antagonising the other as external forces constantly threaten to defeat them both.

Amazingly the film manages to make an important point about using or abusing alcohol to forget painful memories or to escape reality; in fact one scene in particular, a confrontation between Tintin and the alcohol dependant Haddock, reminded me of an exchange between me and my father a few years ago when I wasn’t coping with life very well. Yet somehow the tone of this underlining emotional message isn’t preachy or self-righteous (Haddock is endearingly back on the booze by the end once he’s stopped downing it for the wrong reasons), it simply implies that fun, adventure and the answers to a difficult riddle can emerge even when you’re completely sober.

Beyond the serious subtext that intermittently crops up, I found it a good sign that I exclaimed “WOW!!” more than once whilst watching the film. In a period where we’ve seen almost everything that cinema has to offer, Spielberg manages to take a format he himself has perfected in the past (particularly with Indiana Jones) and dazzles us with the novelty of his film’s unrelenting pace, helped greatly by the gravity defying “cartoon logic” that frees up the spirit of the action. And yet beyond the central goings-on there’s always something tinkering away on the periphery; whether it’s a slapstick aside or a layer of background crowd detail, you’ll find the mind-bogglingly complex vistas too much to take in and appreciate on just one viewing, so make sure you have a return visit.

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret Of The Unicorn has the naïve, impatient and tempestuous drive of a child experiencing the world for the first time, and yet it’s harnessed with the experience and love for the motion of pictures that Spielberg has only gotten better at demonstrating over the years. The treasure for us isn’t the secret of the Unicorn, but that the film exists in the first place and the fact that Spielberg remains one of the few director’s of his generation still with the desire and ability to quench our thirst for cinematic spectacle, be it large or small.

5/5

The Rum Diary - film review

I wish I could write something worthwhile whilst on a drinking binge, it’d make my life a whole lot easier, but unfortunately I have to be in a period of sobriety, get up very early in the morning and quickly soak myself in bad coffee before my brain starts working and the words start drying up. No rum, wine or beer for me.

Then again, writing isn’t my livelihood, it’s currently just a hobby, but I can imagine that when you’ve got a writing deadline to keep to in order to earn money to buy food and you find yourself just not in the mood to type anything then, for some, alcohol might be the only way forward.

The Rum Diary is set in a world populated by men with furious writer’s block. They work for a newspaper they don’t read and have to write articles about stuff they don’t care about. One day they’ll get out, one day, but right now the editor’s holding their paycheques and nothing’s flowing, so they drink until something does flow. They have to write bullshit and so they get into the state where they talk bullshit.

The film’s a mixed bag of Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas hedonism and Withnail & I brotherly comradely. If it all feels like the work of a man who was drinking heavily whilst adapting it to the screen then, fear not, because writer/director Bruce Robinson was (after writer’s block ended a six year sober spell). Robinson is an avid researcher and, if you read the Smoking In Bed collection of interviews with him, a great raconteur; it’s just a shame he’s remembered most for his least researched (but personally experienced) film. The Rum Diary has a lot of background and depth to it, even though it rarely emerges on the surface, but you feel the weight of the thinking behind it, you can feel that there could be a million footnotes to each scene.

But the film struggles to juggle three plots at once: a romance, an insight into journalism and a drama about corruption. Each is paid off and tied up nicely, but none seem to be the driving force of the film or the energy behind it’s creators. The strongest aspect of the film is the world that these plots inhabit; Robinson has deftly carved a real universe for us to indulge in with it’s mix of sweaty alcoholics and sharp suited egomaniacs. We don’t feel like we’re on a set or behind a fenced off location, we’re in there with the characters taking notes and pictures for tomorrow’s paper and risking life and limb to find a bed for the night.

Johnny Depp “reprises” his Raoul Duke from Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, in spirit anyway. He plays frustrated novelist/journalist Paul Kemp on the cusp of inspiration and drug dependency. He’s young, handsome, idealistic and still chasing girls. The collection of layabouts he meets make him seem like the straight laced one, especially the marvellously vile but somehow loveable Moberg, who Giovanni Ribisi plays to terrifyingly brain-fried perfection.

There are a few bumpy rides in the script. Some characters seem to share something we’re not seeing on screen and by the end there are tearful goodbyes from people who don’t seem capable of tearful goodbyes. Have they all really shared so much? They had a few adventures and nearly got sent to prison, but I don’t recall seeing them bonding on an intimate level.

Never mind, I’m sure it all makes sense if you’re drinking.

I recommend The Rum Diary as a ship-in-a-bottle representation of a time, a place and a way of life that few would genuinely want to experience for themselves. The only glamour in this world is found amongst the people who fence themselves off from it and live inside a bubble with no real connection to the outside world. The film shows you the difference between simply existing and experiencing life and all it’s joys and horrors.

Savour it.

Oh and I wrote this review whilst drinking a bottle of red wine… any good?

4/5

Edge of Darkness (2010) - film review

There’s a grittiness that’s missing from Edge Of Darkness that undermines it’s poignant centre. It’s a crime thriller about revenge and corruption but it’s central preoccupation is in the disruption of domestic quietness by the corruption and greed of absolute power. The film is glossy and elegant where it perhaps should have been murky and rough around the edges. Director Martin Campbell, who also helmed the original British television series with Bob Peck that this is based on, goes through great lengths to be faithful to his original work, but by keeping a steady hand on his camera and composing his frames with a an artist’s eye he lets the soul of the piece drift away from him slightly.

The film also suffers from the now fading paranoia that First World countries murder their own people to cover up conspiracies. It might happen, I don’t have any facts in front of me, but the way these films portray officials and their footsoldiers as mass murdering psychopaths is unconvincing in a contemporary world where information travels too fast for devils such as these to stop it. I may sound naïve, but I just don’t think these people are out there hiding behind their titles and credentials. The greatest corruption comes from laziness and cowardice, not from malevolence.

Mel Gibson has trod the territory of a gnarled, unstoppable vigilante before, only here he’s meant to begin as a placid, unexcitable policeman with no enemies hiding in the woodwork. I didn’t believe it. With great respect to Gibson, who does a fine job, the film needed an actor without such solid action credentials who would surprise us with their sudden turn to violence and frenzied behaviour.

The mood of the film sometimes reminded me of Blade Runner in it’s pace, it’s lighting and it’s switching to quiet scenes of contemplation not only with it’s main protagonist, but also with it’s secondary characters who you wouldn’t be expecting to follow “off camera”. These are nice elements which build on the film’s gripping layers and make it an enduring work that might have risen to the status of a masterpiece had the big budget sheen of Hollywood not polished over a very tragic series of events.

Edge Of Darkness takes it’s time and, like Ray Winstone does at one point in the film, savours it’s 117 minute life with, and like, a fine wine. It’s just a shame Edge Of Darkness’ many conclusions and confrontations have to be so run-of-the mill and familiar.

The biggest surprise in Edge Of Darkness is that it has a genuine heart and it makes you feel something. That the production values try so hard to numb you with their beauty is unfortunate, but you will walk away moved and satisfied and believing that good will prevail, and that’s a nice feeling.

3/5

The Inbetweeners Movie - film review

Sort of beyond criticism in a way, but I’ll give it a go.

All you basically need to know is that if you enjoyed the series like I did then you’ll enjoy this. The film’s meant to provide a grand finale to the series (that won’t be coming back for a fourth season) and it does just that.

As always the central characters are self-absorbed, charmless, awkward, desperate, ignorant and frustrating in a way that teenagers generally are, but deep within their adolescent cocoon grows an adult that can be sensitive, patient, understanding and articulate. Maturity comes from experience and the four boys in The Inbetweeners Movie receive experience by the bucket load.

Amazingly and to it’s credit the film does well to keep on track and hold the attention throughout, steering clear of any “zany” sub-plots that other comedy films resort to when the writers run out of things for their characters to do. It’s just about four boys (I think the actors are actually in their mid-twenties) going on a lads holiday and making idiots of themselves but eventually finding… well, that’ll be giving the game away :)

I laughed, I cried, I hid behind my hands with embarrassment, I cringed at the bad acting and I wished Greg Davies (the headteacher) was in it more (although his final pay-off over the closing credits is delicious).

This should stand as a model for all sitcom-to-movie efforts out there currently in the works as this is how it’s meant to be done.

4/5

X-Men: First Class – film review

It’s not all good, but, mercifully, it’s not all bad.

X-Men: First Class suffers from being a potential masterpiece of a trilogy crammed into one big mess of a single volume. It’s script is leaden with speech after speech after speech each more wearyingly poignant than the last and it’s characters seem robbed of pivotal bridges that end up opening holes in the film’s plot and logic. Narrative turns aren’t properly earned by what’s gone before it and characters fail to connect with one another due to great wads of dialogue seemingly left on the writing/editing room floor. In place of genuine emotion is an endless wave of two dimensional physical balletics and facial expressions that get carpet bombed by an exhaustingly overbearing musical score.

You’d probably get more nuance and feeling from a comic book, ironically.

Where First Class works is when it’s characters work. Meaning, when they stop making speeches and start doing things constructively like training each other to put their mutant skills to greater use or defending themselves against the bad/good guys. It works when it settles down after it’s busy first two thirds and starts telling a coherent story rather than throwing one character/plot introduction after another at it’s audience which gradually becomes torturous. It also works when it’s actors don’t trip over their clunky dialogue which would have benefited from a polish here and there.

The special effects are sturdy and impressive enough, however it’s the actors that are meant to be harnessing them that seem awkward when flailing their hands about in the air or striking a pose to concentrate their powers. It’s the Ministry Of Silly Stretches through and through, I’m afraid.

Elsewhere secondary actors are poorly choreographed (in place of actual acting) and can’t seem to annunciate the simplest of lines properly, often grinding key scenes of exposition to a halt and tearing a gaping hole in the reality of the film, such as it is.

There are a few surprises to enjoy though: James McAvoy is charming and seduces even me (a long-time detractor of his) with his natural warmth and charisma… he gives the film a sturdier base and keeps it from drifting off into space where it would otherwise have ended up; Kevin Bacon is cast wonderfully against type (I didn’t recognise him at first) as the single-minded ex-Nazi doctor out to throw the human world into chaos whilst still managing to maintain that groovy swagger of his; and Nicholas Hoult shows us that, should Matt Damon ever break, we have a spare ready and waiting.

I’d like to see a 3-4 hour Special Edition/Director’s Cut of this that feels more confidently paced and coherent, but for now it remains a pretty looking mess with steady but cheesy thrills.

3/5

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (2011) - film review

A riveting “nuts and bolts” espionage thriller that enjoyably wallows in it’s many layers of finely written detail and plot, generating a haunting atmosphere of paranoia in a world where even the simplest of gestures could get you retired/”retired” - never has being called in to speak to the boss in his (soundproof) office been so terrifying.

I just wish the whole thing had been directed by somebody with more experience who had a stronger idea of what type of film they were making, as all too often the film veers off-mark and wavers uncomfortably between having a docu-drama feel and the sleekness of a more mainstream thriller. The result of this fairly pedestrian handling is a distracting sense of imminent collapse under the weight of it’s own material and heavyweight cast. By the end it made me wonder why they’d bothered making the whole thing look as plain and ordinary as a television adaptation when there’s already a perfectly good television adaptation out there.

Worth a watch, though, if only to admire Benedict Cumberbatch’s fringe throughout, which seems to get more attention than anything else on screen.

3/5

Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory Health & Safety Risk Assessment

Dear Mr Wonka

Please find enclosed a copy of the Health & Safety Risk Assessment as compiled and completed by this department following our lengthy visit to your Wonka Bars confectionary processing plant.

I have highlighted numerous instances of glaring and severe safety failings that the management and general staff at your facility seem to be aware but ignorant of and I have therefore made appropriate recommendations that should be implemented immediately.

Yours sincerely

Food Standards Agency

HEALTH & SAFETY RISK ASSESSMENT – WONKA BARS CHOCOLATE FACTORY – FINAL DRAFT

1. A railing should be installed around the Chocolate River to prevent slips, trips and falls and a minimum approach line should be clearly marked and adhered to in order to avoid contamination from any un-authorised personnel.

2. A guard or grill surrounding the opening to the chocolate extraction pipe (which leads to the Fudge Room) should be installed to ensure that no foreign objects are able to pass through the opening and move up into the pipe.

3. Operating staff and accompanying visitors should be warned of potentially harmful flashing images and strobe lighting during the Chocolate River boat ride. Passengers should also be made aware of the disturbing nature of some of the images shown during the ride and a British Board of Film Classification age restriction certificate should be sought.

4. The Three-Course-Dinner Gum should not be deemed suitable for human consumption and distributed to staff or visitors until a separate report is completed by the Food Standards Agency. Until this report is complete and the necessary actions taken based on the findings no further production of this product should be allowed to continue.

5. There should be easily accessible emergency stop switches and entry/exit panels along the vertical length of the ventilation shaft in the Bubble Room. This is to ensure that, should any members of the Wonka Bars staff or visitors be unnaturally elevated after consuming the company’s own Fizzy Lifting Drink, they have appropriate means of escape and/or shutting down the rotary blades that are to be found at the top end of the shaft.

6. Clear and visible warning signs should be displayed in the Chocolate Golden Egg Sorting Room advising visitors not to approach or climb onto any of the equipment, including weighing scale-like structures, without proper supervision. Particular attention is to be paid to the hazardous and un-guarded garbage disposal chute hatch/bay which leads directly down to a regularly-fired incinerator.

7. Under no circumstances should any visitors be allowed entry to the Wonkavision studio and to gain access to the input stage or transmission array. Any and all future transmissions made within the Wonkavision studio should be supervised and countersigned by the factory’s Health & Safety Officer and the factory duty manager.

8. The Great Glass Elevator is to be grounded immediately until an inspection by the Civil Aviation Authority is completed and the aircraft is deemed airworthy. After inspection of your plant this department was unable to find a dedicated exit point for the elevator and I strenuously recommend that one is opened forthwith so that future launches do not interfere with or damage the plant’s superstructure.

9. All factory staff including, but not restricted to, the team of Oompa-Loompas should be subject to a full and extensive Criminal Records Bureau check before commencing employment at the Wonka Bars confectionary processing plant. Care should be taken not to allow any staff to be put in a position where they are left alone and unsupervised with any children or vulnerable adults who may visit the plant on open days.

END OF REPORT