Tuesday, 29 October 2024

Intermission

I was going to call it a “hiatus”, but I’m so fed up of hearing that term used by bickering rock bands.


Anyway, due to my anxiety and depression sadly getting the better of me, I and my doctor agreed it’d be a good idea for me to go back on antidepressants (after a year-long break from them). The initial side effects of taking such medication again, along with the new-ish headspace they’ll put me in, means I’m grabbing hold of only cultural stuff that’s familiar to me for comfort, so I’m not experiencing anything worth writing about.


So, yeah, you might not see any new posts for awhile. I’m even about to go up a dose, so that should further affect me for a while. But, hey, who knows! My mental state, on a good day, is as changeable as British weather. That’s why we bitch about it so much.


Never fear, I’m still pottering about and eagerly ready to pounce on any opportunities to write. It’s just that the will, inspiration, motivation, and courage to do so is rather lacking right now.  At least the meds are reducing the length of my harmful drinking binges, which has been very noticeable.


I dunno, there’s a chance I’ll delete this post tomorrow and get cracking on some new articles, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it.


Drama, drama, drama!


Do stay in touch, darlings.


Toodles!  

Tuesday, 22 October 2024

[story corner]

SEBASTIAN AND DANIEL


A semi-autobiographical LGBT coming-of-age story about a pair of social outcasts who find peace within each other’s company. May contain uncompromising real-world situations.


CHAPTER THREE


Glaciologists and seismologists now agree, with approximate certainty, that the tsunami approaching the English east coast city of Bradbury Gate had been triggered by the breaching of a mountain range-sized ice dam in Norway. This breach, caused by global warming, allowed a hitherto undiscovered lake, rising thousands of feet above sea level, to spill into the otherwise-calm North Sea.


The author is informing the reader of these events at the outset of this chapter, as, from the perspective of history, the hows and whys of the catastrophe now wane in comparison to those that succeeded it. Looking back, our sensitive protagonist, Sebastian, often wondered what he would have done without the flood, even though he lost everything and everyone in his life up until that point.


The first he and his classmates at Archampton District Secondary School knew of the destructive wave, about to devastate their lives, was the tremor. Perhaps, if they had been closer to the source, they would have experienced an almighty earthquake; but, for the population of the already-struggling school, it just felt like a heavy goods vehicle rolling past the grounds.


The most accurate estimate now, is that the meltwater pulse travelled across from one side of the sea to the other in approximately half-an-hour.


And it was unstoppable.


What eventually collided with the educational building Sebastian sat in, was not so much a wave as a creeping pool of saltwater. It ebbed, at first unnoticed, through the main gate and under the playground fence and the sports ground hedge. Once attention had been drawn to it, everybody just thought a mains pipe or water tank had burst; but, as the flood began entering the main building, showing no signs of stopping, panic broke out.


Students and teachers alike climbed onto their chairs, forgetting previous disputes whilst they aided one another. As the water level rose higher and higher, as did the school population up one level onto their desks and workbenches. Then, with an almighty crash, the windows gave way to the pressure, and sheets of razor-sharp glass sliced into Sebastian’s classroom, cutting his water-treading classmates to bloodied ribbons.


As Sebastian began to drift uncontrollably out of the room, he remembered the boy he had seen studying alone in the room next door. He was an older lad, of about exam-age. An intense sort. Brooding. Pouting. With a fridge of dark-brown hair partially obscuring the right side of his olive-skinned features. He was possibly named “Martin”, but Sebastian had been too shy to ask around for confirmation. It was the same boy who had smiled at Sebastian once, as the two passed in the corridor three weeks, five hours, and twenty-six minutes ago.


Sebastian decided that Martin, if indeed that was his name, would not be allowed to drown.


As the uncertainly-shifting current began to pull Sebastian away from Martin’s room, he reached out and clasped the door handle, pulling it down and opening the door as he pushed away from the opposite wall with his feet. Anxiously surveying the bare room, he spotted Martin in the far corner, pinned against a bookcase by a mass of floating desks and chairs. Sebastian swam through the swamp of textbooks and unmarked schoolwork, receiving numerous paper cuts as he went, until he was able to start pulling furniture away from the other pupil’s body.


As the rescue attempt continued, so did the rising height of the water. Eventually, the window and door frames were almost totally submerged, blocking any easy escape.


Martin reached out and wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s shoulders, a look of terror in his grey eyes. Or were they brown? Sebastian had never gotten a proper look. Regardless, Martin was clearly unable to swim. Sebastian kept hold of him and kicked his own legs until the two boys reached the row of broken windows, but, by then, the water level was too high and the jagged shards of broken glass hanging down from the pane offered an impenetrable and deadly obstacle.


As the ceiling and certain death grimly approached, the two boys suddenly felt a wave of calm acceptance wash over them. They looked into each other’s eyes and, for their last few seconds of life, smiled, knowing they were not about to die alone.


“Do you want to copy mine?” Came a voice from out of sight.


Sebastian found himself unceremoniously pulled back into reality from his routine mathematics lesson daydream.


He turned to the owner of the voice sat next to him, a boy who laughingly referred to himself as Sebastian’s friend, and shook his head.


“No, it’s okay.” Said Sebastian, looking down at his workbook for the first time in five minutes. “I think I’ve got it.”


His “friend”, Gavin, then punched Sebastian hard on the upper arm.


“Stop drifting off, twat-face.” He said, smiling menacingly.


Sebastian had amounted quite a collection of bruises on his arm, thanks to Gavin’s unique style of platonic communication. The boy, donning spiky blond hair and a perpetual smirk, knew where to strike so as not to draw attention to his friendly assaults. Sebastian grimly wondered whether Gavin had learned this trick from a parent.


“I won’t.” Sebastian said, hoping passivity would placate his assailant.


Punch.


“That’s for if you forget.” Said Gavin, turning back to his own maths workbook.


There was a sudden clip-clop of heels, then a shadow fell upon the desk in front of Sebastian.


“Did you wander off again, Finch?!” Said his teacher, Mrs Bracken, a woman who always appeared to be shrouded in a monochrome veil of dourness. Her crow-like features were perfectly rounded-off by a cardigan she wore over her shoulders, like one would sport a cape.


“Sorry, miss.” Said Sebastian, shifting his workbook to cover his absentminded doodlings below.


The teacher picked up his workbook and dropped it onto Gavin’s side of the twin desk. With a perplexed grimace, the woman shuffled through Sebastian’s amateurish drawings. The first was of a tree by a river; the next was of a human eye; the third was of a man being crushed by a car, with red pen used to represent a geyser of blood; and the final was apparently Sebastian’s attempt at the poster for a fictitious movie he had titled “Pontoon Railway”, which was “Coming Soon!”. The imagery on this mock-poster featured a great wave about to devour a familiar municipal building.


“They’re for art class.” Said Sebastian, his heart pounding.


Gavin cackled and surreptitiously kicked his desk-mate carefully out of the authoritarian’s vision.


“It’s not, miss!” He said, spitefully shoving Sebastian’s workbook back to where it belonged. “He’s not been working.”


Sebastian’s gaze fell down to his fidgeting hands.


“I’ll show them to your form tutor.” Said Mrs Bracken. “And you’ll sit with me for detention at three-fifteen, do you understand?!”


“Yes, miss.” Said Sebastian, compliant as he always felt it best to be.


Mrs Bracken stalked back off in direction of the windows, where she would look out at the playground for misbehaving pupils. This was one of her favourite pastimes, as it meant she had the opportunity to shout at somebody.


Punch.


“Ow!” Said Sebastian, tears forming in his eyes.


It had been a particularly vicious strike, that ha dug into an already-blackened patch of skin.


“That’s for wasting Mrs Bracken’s time!” Said Gavin, continuing his malevolent cackle.


The surrounding pupils had begun paying attention to the minor drama at the back of the classroom, cooing sarcastically in chorus at Sebastian’s extracurricular sentencing.


Although deep down he knew he would reconsider once a cooler head prevailed, Sebastian decided that this would be his last day of miserable, painful, humiliating attendance.


⬅︎ PREVIOUS CHAPTERNEXT CHAPTER ➡︎


Sunday, 20 October 2024

Jason X (2001) - film review

What is one to say?


Yes, indeed.


What?!


Critters 4 can be forgiven for being set in outer space, as that series always did have a science fiction bent to it. But Friday the 13th?! I can only imagine fans of the franchise and slasher movies in general were greatly upset with Jason X. But, hey, where else do you go with the “story” of Jason Voorhees? After stalking a small town, stalking a small town, stalking a small town, stalking a small town, stalking a small town, stalking a small town, stalking a small town, stalking a cruise ship, and stalking a small town, the producers at New Line Cinema decided it was time for a change. So, I guess, where else do you go but up?!


Welcome to my review for Jason… in Spaaace!


It was actually a nice treat to end on this one, as I am a confirmed sci-fi movie geek through-and-through. I’m not great with science fiction on the written page, where it tends to be quite dry, but most of my favourite films are to be found in said genre. While I faintly wept for heartbroken horror nerds everywhere, I chuckled wryly to myself as I thoroughly enjoyed this strange cross-between Aliens and Star Trek.


The plot is as predictable as you can imagine, once you’re told the above “Jason in Space” meta-title. The hulking, immortal mass-murderer is cryogenically frozen, after killing a bunch of scientists nobody thought to check up on when they failed to return home at night. Oh well, let’s just ignore that massive plot hole, shall we? Unfrozen in the future, on a massive spaceship, Jason proceeds to, well, do what he’s always done. Only this time… in spaaace!


Good grief.


I’ll be keeping the Jason X disc to one side for future guilty-pleasure viewing, as it is sci-fi action pornography at its most gloriously-average. The cast is trying way harder than they should. The crew is also trying way harder than they should. And the screenwriter… erm… thought they were clever as all hell. You know a film’s dialogue is bad, when you quite reasonably say to yourself: ”Wow, this sounds like the sort of thing I would write!”.


And not in a good way.


But everyone involved seems to be having a blast, so there’s a great spirit to the silly goings on. Characters even get dispatched simply because they frustratingly stop for a casual one-liner. Oh and this means you’ll also find yourself shouting: “Just go!” at the screen quite a few times. It’s like nothing matters and they’re all just glad to be involved. Which is nice. But weird.


On the downside, the law of diminishing returns sets in from the first scene. We know Jason can’t be killed, so why should we be interested in people trying to kill him? He’s just gonna get up and keep going. Over and over and over again. Sigh. I definitely started to glaze over once characters began running around like kids in a fairground haunted house. But, alas, I was charmed by the film’s overall good-naturedness, the genuine camaraderie between our heroes, and the surprisingly-solid production design and set-pieces.


The film also manages to be titillating without resorting to sexual violence, or the threat thereof. Well, unless you count the clever holodeck recreation of Crystal Lake and its topless denizens. I think many cinema goers were relieved once a new generation of screenwriters took over b-movies in general and found better ways to offer up gratuitous nudity. You know, without the actors and viewers and everyone feeling uncomfortable. Saying that, there was one awkward sex scene where a character is called both a “naughty little boy” and “daddy” in the heat of passion. If you’re going to role-play, at least get your fantasy straight!


Just shoddy writing.


I’m sure, to keen-eyed viewers, the special effects are terrible, but they looked fine to me. Thanks to the even sci-fi lighting setups, I was actually able to see some of the kills this time. FYI my favourite was the one where a woman gets her head frozen in carbonite and shattered into a million pieces. If you move things into the future, you better have futuristic deaths! The spunky fembot is a highlight too, as is her upgraded-self’s cocky showdown with Jason.


Jason X provided me with the most fun I’ve had this entire series, which has been something of a miserable slog. This tenth instalment is big, dumb, loud, and lots of fun. It also proves that David Cronenberg is a jolly good sport. Now I can sit back and be glad I’m finally free of Friday the 13th! And, no, I won’t be doing Freddy vs. Jason, which I consider a spin-off, kinda like Alien Resurrection.


I hope y’all have a fun Halloween! I’m not into it myself (what with being dead inside), but I certainly don’t besmirch others for getting involved.


Do stay in touch, darlings.


Toodles!

Thursday, 17 October 2024

45

I grew up in the Germanic-region of mainland Europe, specifically on the border between The Netherlands and Germany. As well as being a very temporary product of a doomed Forces family, this unique upbringing has left me somewhat isolated as a British citizen. Slap onto this my cyclothymia mental illness, and you have someone who struggles to deal with life on a daly basis. Luckily, as a sort-of-Dutch-child, or Dutch-identifying-English-Canadian-child, Kinderen voor Kinderen was somewhat apparent to me at an early age. KvK is a musical collective, with song subjects suggested by its audience and eventually written, performed, recorded, and released by professionals. While I picked up on some of KvK as a child, it wasn’t until recently, when I was looking for music to help me battle low-mood attacks, that it fully opened opened up to me.


KvK has, coincidentally, been going on for as long as I have. Every year since 1980, before obnoxious singing contests were a thing, the Dutch have being broadcasting a big show on television, releasing an album, music videos, and live performances, on every medium possible. The music isn’t tired or halfhearted or obligatory, in fact it’s filled with ingenuity and passion and originality. Basically, the complete opposite of what you’d expect from the same thing in the United Kingdom.


And so we come, in 2024, to the 45th album. The forty-fucking-fifth one of these damned things. Can you believe it?! No, I can’t either.


The album opens without too much ingenuity, with “Lekker eigenwijs”, reminding us of “Stiekem stoepen” from 40. The next track, “Dansen in de regen” ticks all the right boxes, but still without inspiring much from the listener. It’s solid though, which I can’t blame it for. Nothing then really happens until the John Carpenter-inspired “Vreemde dingen”, which is nothing but a lost album opener. A true highligh! Obligatory ballad “Alles op z’n tijd” doesn’t provide anything unique, but it’s certainly not a bad song. It has those “Coldplay choruses” that have seemed so popular since Viva la Vida, which, while not my kind thing, I don’t admonish it for.


Due to not speaking the language, I don’t know what is truly going on with “Schoolziek”, but I like it. There’s very old-school KvK fun production going on here, including endearing vocal interruptions. “Oogie op jou” features some great chorus pedal guitar noodling. Another average song buoyed by its production. “Superkratch” is a roofraising stomper, which really should have been placed at the front of the album. A great moment, indeed. Which leaves “Meidengroep”, a Faces-style groove, with gorgeous Stratocaster licks, to lead us out of proceedings.


I bounce in and out of KvK as and when I need them. Whilst my usual delve into Sonic Youth or Radiohead or Interpol gets me through the day, sometimes I just need some upbeat-Dutch-power-pop to keep me going. I understand why they remain undiscovered, due to their apparent-disposable nature and foreign lyrics, as well as certain other issues, but I sincerely hope you approach them with an open heart.


It’s the best music you've never heard. You will be better off for it.


Do stay in touch, darlings.


Toodles!


45 - Lekker eigenwijs - Album by Kinderen voor Kinderen | Spotify

Tuesday, 8 October 2024

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) - film review

The opening line of this review was going to be: “We should be so lucky”, but then I realised I’d already begun one of these Friday the 13th critiques in the exact same way. You know, the other instalment with the word “final” in the title.


The film only gets dumber from there.


Whereas I found Jason Takes Manhattan to be oddly relaxing, due to its cosy setting, Jason Goes to Hell is merely sleepy. It has a made-for-TV melodrama quality to it, which is truly bizarre. I’m wondering whether the director was going for a stark, brutalist look to the mise en scene, mimicking the style of Paul Verhoeven (who was the biggest thing in the world at the time). This director also seems to have his actors perform with an aggressive forthrightness, which is also indicative of Verhoeven’s style. Regardless of intent, the director of Jason Goes to Hell fails.


At everything.


There were numerous times during my viewing of this film that I sighed and muttered: “Hurry up!” at the screen, which is never a good sign. There’s very little urgency to the goings on, which is why it felt like a second-rate melodrama. And “second-rate” is being very generous indeed. As with the previous film, this one could have been tightened up in the editing bay. Moments that should be creepy, scary, or exciting, simply feel dull. I even had to fight to keep my attention going during the climactic fight, which is shot so drearily that I just couldn’t see what was going on. Should I blame my nyctalopia or the filmmaking? Somebody with better eyesight should probably decide.


The acting’s all over the place here, with some performers hamming it up too much, while others are clearly just cashing a paycheque. A bounty hunter character seems to have special knowledge of Jason’s history and weaknesses, although it’s not clear how he came about this information. Our hero, of sorts, stands idle while another character is murdered in front of him. He could have helped, but the film wanted the death sequence, so who gives a shit about logic, right? There’s a baffling scene in which one character breaks another character’s fingers through the bars of a jail cell, but the motivation for this violent behaviour isn’t clear either. There is a BDSM quality to this moment though, which I quite enjoyed. I’m not usually into that kind of thing, but, by this point, my brain was desperate to latch onto anything vaguely entertaining.


I believe that’s called “scraping the barrel”.


So, yes, Jason Goes to Hell encapsulates the summit of our worst fears, in that it is neither so-bad-it’s-good nor so-good-it’s-good. Instead, it’s just rather pathetic and tedious. Not the worst thing in the world, but certainly no lost masterpiece either. At least it doesn’t list its one canine performer in the end credits before the majority of human actors, as Jason Takes Manhattan does. That error, at least I hope it was an error, represents a rather shocking level of disrespect that should not be repeated.


I’ll be calling it a day with Jason X, so stay tuned for that one soon, darlings.


Toodles!