Catchy title, huh?! I came up with it myself!
What better excuse to sit down and watch three critically-panned and audience-avoided cinematic failures than when your internet keeps going down. I was going to do this marathon further into the weekend, but living off hardcopies seems to be the way my ISP wants me to go today (Friday 11 April 2025). They all laughed at me when I stubbornly refused to go the streaming route, but now I’m the one laughing. Me! Not them! Me and my huge disc collection! Mwahahahaha!
And, yes, I said “disc collection”.
I selected these three “masterpieces” of American cinema to watch together really as a coincidence, only realising they all came out the same year when trying to figure out which order to watch them in. Now I’m just going to do it in alphabetical order.
I’m very curious to see if they’re all as bad as everybody apparently agrees they are. But I’m not one to follow opinion like a good little lamb, being the contrarian prick that I am, so let us watch Borderlands, Madame Web, and Megalopolis and just see if there’s anything to salvage from the decadent wreckages of egos gone mad!
I will be writing this post “live” as I go, therefore the beginning, middle, and end should reflect how I felt at those points. I will not “retcon” these early paragraphs to match how I end up feeling. So please bear with my changing opinions.
Onwards!
BORDERLANDS
“Did something important happen?!”
Indeed it did, Claptrap, an entertaining science fiction action-adventure movie came out and got universally panned by professional critics. What a shame. I have no love for the Borderlands video game series, so let’s make that clear straight away. In fact, Borderlands 2 was the first console game I ever bought. And I absolutely despised it. I found its plot machinations baffling and visuals hideous. However, I did think to myself: “Hey, this would make a great movie!”. Cut to this. Out of the many problems critics seemed to have with Borderlands: The Movie, its cavalcade of cliches loomed largest of all. Well, I hate to break it to you, folks, but cliches are there for a reason. At least, they are for films like this. If modern cynics had their way, the characters in Borderlands would wander around saying nothing and doing nothing. Those cynics would then flag down a pain-au-chocolat, readjust their cosmetic spectacles, and complain that there weren’t enough “tropes” in the film. Good grief. This was my first watch of an Eli Roth movie, mainly due to my not being a horror person, but he has won me over first time around. There’s one scene in Borderlands where a character provides the audience with a hefty exposition dump, a potentially-tedious moment. Witness Christoph Waltz’s similar burden towards the end of Robert Rodriguez’s vile Alita: Battle Angel crap-fest. In Borderlands, Roth has said character energetically stalking around the set, coquettishly climbing onto objects in order to break up the monotony for us. Now that’s a skilled director! Rodriguez just had poor Waltz sitting in a chair looking like he’s about to fall asleep. Another problem critics had with Borderlands is its constant dialogue dubbing. But dubbing happens in movies just as much as sound effects foley. 99.999% of the Lord of the Rings trilogy had “automatic dialogue replacement” laid over it, as that production saved money by shooting next to train tracks and inside cacophonous tin sheds. If the ADR work in Borderlands was to improve audience comprehension, it worked. And I approve. I remember watching negative video review after negative video review for this film and, while the critical narrator was saying overwhelmingly bad things about it, I couldn’t help but see something special onscreen. I had a feeling I needed to see it for myself. Today I was relieved to find this feeling was correct. Even Claptrap’s admittedly-cliched comic relief did illicit genuine laughs from me. He’s really funny. Also, Jack Black is unrecognisable in the role. The makeup and costume design for his robot character is flawless! The actor must be much smaller in real life. Ha! Anyway, all I can say to those modern cynics who dislike this movie is: I’m so sorry it wasn’t based on your favourite comic book and didn’t bore me to tears. Your Marvel movies are all terrible and Martin Scorsese was right in citing them as the potential death of cinema. Borderlands is old fashioned but utterly charming, exciting, and races along at an amazing pace. Cate Blanchett is an engaging heroine and doesn’t seem miscast even in the slightest. She isn’t the charisma vacuum that Chris Pratt is, by any means. Mr Roth knew exactly what he was doing with his casting. Whatever alleged problems occurred behind the scenes on this film, they certainly do not show up onscreen. Much like Cleopatra and Waterworld, this film is simply a victim of “trial by media”. With any luck, Borderlands will find its audience on home media, as it certainly deserves to. Actually, it might make a great video game!
MADAME WEB
“Seriously, don’t do dumb things!”
Hmm, maybe take your own advice, Madame Web! After the pleasant surprise of Borderlands, I was concerned there would be no real duds on today’s viewing schedule. I mean, it’s fun being bitchy sometimes, right? Well, thank goodness for Madame Web. I just… I just… I just can’t believe this is actually a thing. What is it?! It sure is a thing, I can give it that much. It exists and I bought it and I sat down to watch it and I somehow got to the end of it. But is it real-real?! I know beyond-zero about the origins of the Madame Web character and story, but I am pretty sure this is a comic book adaptation. I will even go so far as to assume it is loosely inspired by a comic book. If there are devoted fans of the source material out there, I hope I am correct in this assumption. For their sake. I have a theory that this film was originally shot as the pilot episode for a television show that never made it to series. Then, some truly misguided human being at the studio, decided they had enough faith in the existing footage to have its runtime extended by nearly five-eighths. Erm, I think that’s right. Maths isn’t my thing at all. Anyway, one sign of this theory being correct is Madame Web’s director, for which this is their first feature film in a long career of solid television credits. I believe Madame Web was meant to be just another TV gig for this person and they were surprised to see it showing at their local cinema. Another piece of evidence to support my theory is that scenes which really should only last for 30 seconds or so go on for about 10 minutes. I kept muttering: “Hurry up!” at the screen, which can never be a good thing. These seemingly-endless scenes of nothing happening would be boring, were it not for the unintentional humour generated by their bizarre length. If this was always intended to be a feature film, then the editor is to blame for the mess the final product is. And them alone. If my theorised-45 minute pilot was taken out of their hands and blown up into a 116 minute instrument of torture, then I apologise. The screenplay also includes numerous grammatical errors. Take the line: “I’ve never said this before in my entire life, but you’re a good teacher”, which is said between two people who have only just met. What the character means to say is: “I’ve never said anything like this to someone in my life before, but you’re a good teacher”. Yet they don’t actually say that. The errors go on like this. While character names are said out loud throughout the film, I failed to learn any of them. I blame the movie for that. Therefore, the character I can only describe as “Skateboard Girl” is just about the only one I quite enjoyed in a non-ironic way. Otherwise, the film is filled with forgettable nobodies. Its one and only star-of-sorts, Adam Scott, is cruelly dismissed after half an hour, only to stagger back in 45 minutes later, looking as confused as the rest of us. Although the film is generally shot in a competent fashion, there are moments of drama shot with perfect comedy timing, whereas moments that should be funny simply made me frown. What’s the plot of Madame Web, you ask? I do not know. I also do not care to know. For a film that is purportedly “woke” in its political correctness, it is borderline-racist. It presents the outdated-concept of the “magical foreigner”, a notion abandoned once the age of imperialism was over. It also feels somewhat sexist, in portraying women as ruled by their emotions and illogical beliefs, while only truly being capable of achieving motherhood. Elsewhere, there’s one baffling moment where a group of people are seemingly offended by one character discussing her mother dying in childbirth. Why on Earth would people be offended by that?! They should and would be supportive and say kind words. Instead, they just descend into awkward silence and share angry looks. There is a passable melodrama deep inside Madame Web, should someone take the footage available and cut any references to villains and superpowers. Something here can be salvaged. I recommend the producers do that and release it as a very different pilot episode. In terms of your own personal viewing experience, I suggest watching Madame Web with friends and/or family (unless you’re a loner like me), as the atmosphere will surely be very enjoyable indeed. You will all laugh out loud numerous times and throw popcorn or glass bottles at the screen. Madame Web feels as though it was written by notorious franchise-killers Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, but it wasn’t. Unless they used pseudonyms. A true disaster, which is a shame for the thousands of people who worked on it with good intentions. I could go on endlessly about everything wrong with Madame Web, but there’s still one last film on the docket for today…
MEGALOPOLIS
“You hurt me!”
“I was kissing you, mother.”
Story of my life. Now I was expecting one of two things from Megalopolis, either it was going to be batshit crazy, or mind-bendingly tedious. As it turns out, it is neither. Instead, Megalopolis is a captivating tale of how little mankind has changed in two thousand years. Its allusions to ancient Rome are not in the fine print. Quite the contrary. They are stated upfront and outright. It doesn’t feel like an eye-rolling lecture on the immorality of greed though, at least it didn’t to me. What with its director being an out-and-proud epicurean, that point of view wouldn’t have been likely anyway. Megalopolis simply feels as though it is presenting the viewer with the facts and leaving them to make their own judgment. Legendary winemaker Francis Ford Coppola, in his first ever film, creates a glamorous world that few of us get to experience. But glamour comes with a price, which I’m sure the glamorous could tell you all about. The film is an epic melodrama in the very old fashioned sense of the word. While it lacks any globe-trotting, vast armies, or cities burning down, one could almost describe this as “The Modern Gone with the Wind”. For whatever that’s worth. I don’t believe discussion or comparisons to that 1939 film are allowed nowadays. It does exist though, and those wishing to erase works of art and their makers from history, for their own self-righteous pleasure, will have to try very hard to make us forget it. I couldn’t tell you what the plot of Megalopolis is, although it runs something along the lines of a struggle between elected power and personally-accrued power. Of wealth versus love. Or something. Coppola did well to fill his picture with young upstarts, who fortunately knew exactly what kind of film they were in. There isn’t a clash of performances here, as I’d expected. There is a wonderful unity at work here. Adam Driver mixes repressed energy with sudden bursts of passion. Aubrey Plaza actually plays a sincere character for once, with her BDSM seduction of a younger man being one of the film’s highlights. While I’ve seen many adaptations of William Shakespeare plays, this is the first film I’ve seen that actually feels Shakespearian. It only quotes him though, I do not believe it is literally based on one of his plays. We even get Shia LeBeouf playing a very puckish anarchist, with gleeful aplomb. Megalopolis, despite its reputation, is a very low-key affair. Well, low-key in terms of its performances and action. It is about decadent people, but is not decadent itself. Some of its characters are eccentric, but its writer, producer, and director is not. It is about people failing in their ambition, but succeeds with its own. You see, this is a work of fiction, not a documentary. It is clear to me now that some viewers do not understand the difference. This concerns me deeply. Still, if ever there was a movie to watch in a double bill with Blade Runner, this is it. Despite its allusions to the Triumvirate of Julius Caesar, Crassus, and Pompey, Megalopolis’ themes are more similar to the conflict between Cicero and Catiline. Catiline gathered a rebellion against Rome in a failed attempt to wipe his and his cohorts’ debts from record. Again, I wasn’t terribly sure of what was going on in this film, but I’m pretty sure that’s in there somewhere. Madame Web set the bar lower than a bar could possibly be lowered today, so perhaps I’m being much too generous with Megalopolis. Much like Madame Web, Megalopolis is a collection of scenes without a particularly driving plot. But, unlike Madame Web, it succeeded in captivating me regardless. Why critics went around telling people that this film is utterly potty and nonsensical is beyond me. It is a work almost beyond criticism. It does not require your approval, only that you stand back and admire it, like a miracle of nature. A striking sunset, if you will. Megalopolis is clever, beautiful, and emotional. Trust my opinion, not those of others. So there. I foresee a long and successful career for young Francis Ford Coppola. Perhaps he should make a film about a paranoid surveillance expert, or Italian-American gangsters, or retell Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness set during the Vietnam War. Erm, you get where I’m going with this. Oh and Talia Shire is still alive, apparently, which surprised me. It also seems as though she is channelling Ruth Gordon with her performance here, which I hope she would take as a compliment. It is certainly intended as one.
Golly, I suppose that’s that for my third ever reported movie marathon, after Roger Corman's Poe Cycle and the 1980s masterpieces of Goldie Hawn! It wasn’t a slog as I’d feared, since all three films were different enough to keep me interested. I’d recommend them all, but for very different reasons. I can only hope I have made those differences clear. Today has proven that age cannot wither middle-aged actresses or elderly directors. It also proves that you can’t just turn the pilot episode of a TV series into a feature film and get away with it.
Only David Lynch was allowed to get away with that.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
P.S. And I’m totally changing my name to “Wow Platinum” ASAP!
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