Well, that’s 3 hours of my life I’m never getting back!
Okay, 2 hours 56 minutes, to be precise. But let’s just keep rounding it up to 3 hours, shall we? Yes, 3 hours experiencing writer-director Matt Reeves have his cake and eat it.
Part predictable serial killer thriller. Part leaden political drama. Part Tim Burton’s Batman. Part Christopher Nolan’s Batman. Part Brian De Palma’s Snake Eyes.
It’s also a lesson in what it’s like to suffer from nyctalopia, also known as “night blindness”. There are light sources present, but no light.
Hmm, perhaps that’s supposed to be a heavy-handed metaphor for Gotham City’s institutionalised corruption. Wait, isn’t corruption intrinsically institutionalised?! Answers on a postcard!
I’ve lived 3 years without knowing The Batman existed, which I was fine with. What? Yet another reboot?! This time by the guy who did two-out-of-three Planet of the Apes movies?! Starring the goth-icon from Twilight?! And they grittily try desperately not to name the heroes and villains blah blah blah I could see it all unfolding in my head with the least amount of effort.
Not interested.
Then, just as I was about to go to bed this evening, I thought: “Hey, just for a laugh, let’s give the first 10 minutes of that new Batman a try, then give up and get some much-deserved shuteye!”.
3 hours later…
A lofty shoutout for Michael Giacchino, surely the hardest working person in Hollywood right now. I’m guessing that man doesn’t get a minute’s sleep. He just lives and breathes great film compositions, as if he’s made some sort of Faustian deal. It feels like every time I watch a new release and enjoy the music the following happens: “Hey, this movie has a great score! I wonder who the comp… oh it’s Michael again”.
Bless.
I’m not complaining, Mr Giacchino, so please keep those hits coming!
I dunno, The Batman is basically just a jumble of things you’ve seen before, only impossible to see this time. Is that technically “irony”? I’ll ask whatserface. You know, the singer who doesn’t know what irony means. I’m sure she’ll be a ton of help.
I guess The Batman is worth your time. You’ll see him using grappling hooks. You’ll see him getting into a lot of fist fights. You’ll see him in a car chase. You’ll see him disappearing mid-conversation. You’ll see him kissing Catwoman. You’ll see Andy Serkis giving an embarrassing bedridden confessional worthy of the most pathetic of tabloid talk shows.
Peter Woodthorpe’s Gollum was better than yours, Andy. I want you to know this.
A special mention needs to go out to Jeffrey Wright, Paul Dano, and John Turturro, all of whom make these 2 hours 56 minutes less of a chore.
Now, let’s have a bit more of a breather before the next reboot, shall we?!
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
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