Framed to Perfection XLIX

ROBOT MONSTER (1953)

Director: Phil Tucker

Cinematographer: Jack Greenhalgh

A model example of the nuclear apocalypse family.

Robot Monster is considered one of the worst movies ever made, which I believe to be rather unfair. In one way, I can see where its detractors are coming from. In another way, basically my way, I find it incredibly cute and harmless. In the context of the story, most of the film takes place within the dream of a concussed child, which allows all of its beguiling oddness and perceived “badness” to make perfect sense.

Not that writers should always use that as an excuse, of course.

That the character of dazed little “Johnny” also dreams of a hunky dude being shirtless and the girl-next-door, who pesters him constantly about playing “house” (which I assume is the closest you can get to playing “doctor” without anyone getting fingered), being dispatched makes me wonder whether this was intended as a coded LGBT film.

I am happy to believe so.

Shot in 3D, the gimmicks employed to heighten such an experience are as tiresome as they are to this very day. Why is there a bubble machine? 3D. Why are there gratuitous close-ups of hands working away at wiring? 3D. Why is there a grown man wandering around in an ape costume with a diver’s helmet on his head? Fuck knows.

George Nader is as insufferable as always. The man built a career on being a smug son-of-a-bitch. I dearly hope his agent at least tried to get him to tone it down a bit. Still, he’s a very handsome man, so many thanks to little “Johnny” for imagining him with his shirt off.

You go, girl!

My favourite moments are when you witness “Ro-Man” just idly wandering around the countryside. He doesn’t cut the most intimidating of figures in doing so. Quite why the last family on Earth doesn’t just pounce on the murderous beast and kick the shit out of him to save the human race is beyond me. But, hey, then there wouldn’t be a movie, right? Right.

“Johnny” and his precocious acts of heroism and mature war planning abilities are a key sign that this is all a dream. As is his sudden costume change from trousers to shorts. Not that I was looking. Oh and him waking up at the end is another sign. Perhaps the biggest one that I really should have mentioned first.

Never mind, this is all just a dream!

Robot Monster is nowhere near as bad as its reputation would have you think. It’s also a great masterclass in production economics, as it was filmed entirely outside in only a couple of weeks. While strange at first, you eventually get used to the sparse locations during the film’s sparse 64-minute runtime. Gregory Moffett is by far the film’s standout performer, with his real-life mother apparently helping her son with his dialogue by underlining in the script which words he should emphasise.

Bless.

I watched the 2D version that’s available digitally, and I feel no worse off for it. I doubt there’ll ever be a physical copy of it in the UK, although there currently isn’t one for The Last Emperor either.

Good grief.

Do stay in touch, hu-mans.

Toodles!