Oh what a terrible, terrible, terrible idea this film was, but it’s not without its merits.
And that’s my review, folks! Goodnight!
Well, okay, maybe just a few more words for y’all, but only because the existence of an official UK release of Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie is nothing short of a miracle in itself. I’m still not even sure whether or not the original run of the TV show was ever broadcast over here, so quite why the distributors would think there’d be a market for a DVD is beyond me.
I guess you could rationalise that it might act as a pilot for potential foreign markets.
It’s also the thing that killed the classic MST3K lineup, as creator Joel Hodgson and director Jim Mallon apparently disagreed on whether to make this thing at all. So, yes, for all its bohemian joy, the first incarnation of the MST3K gang broke up over the same old bollocks: money and power, otherwise known as “creative differences”.
Having arrived 35-years-late to the party, I’m really not keen to venture into the Mike J Nelson years, as his aura of smug self-satisfaction and Hitler Youth visage aren’t quite as appealing as Joel’s adorable stoner charm. But, being a daring sort, I thought I’d give this “feature” incarnation a go.
I used quotation marks around the word feature there, as this is actually shorter than an average episode of the show.
An intelligent and creative way to play the MST3K movie spinoff surely would have been for the fictional castaways to go on their own feature-length adventure, with heavy nods to the cheesy films they’ve watched over the years. Moments of their signature riffing could occur over the serious scenarios they find themselves in, such as mission briefings or police interrogations or moments of dull domesticity. You know, let their bitchy silhouettes happen organically. Yeah, that would have been great! Instead, what we get is just a regular episode of the show, only in widescreen (not as yet used for television, as of 1996) and with a broader view of the Satellite of Love, rather than just the iconic host segment desk. Oh and awkward music cues which just don’t work in this format.
As I feared, Mike just doesn’t cut it for me. If you thought Shia LeBeouf epitomised “charisma vacuum”, then think again. Trace Beaulieu plays Dr Forrester as wild-eyed maniac, rather than the sinister and sexy authoritarian of the early years. Who knows what happened there. He also seems lost (as are we) without his beautiful boy-toy Frank Conniff by his side, whom I believe had gotten sick of previewing potential movies to screen by this point. The show’s unsung heroine, Gypsy (sorry, “GPC”, for today’s politically correct crowd), gets a little more screen time than usual, and Kevin Murphy vies admirably with Beaulieu’s Crow for laughs as Tom Servo. Sadly, we never get to see Servo’s hover-skirt in full action, but hey-ho.
At least they picked the perfect movie for the, erm, movie, as This Island Earth not only hits that sweet spot between well-made and silly, but it’s also possibly one of the most gorgeous films ever made. It doesn’t get the credit for this, however, as it’s probably considered “just a disposable genre movie”. Sigh. When will the award givers get over themselves?! It’s a shame the MST3K gang don’t poke enough fun at Rex Reason, who comes across as the illegitimate love child of Ben Affleck and a brick wall. In fact, the riffing as a whole tends to miss some painfully-obvious opportunities.
It’s not bad, it’s just somewhat anaemic.
Special credit should really go to editor Bill Johnson, who managed to carve the bare essentials out of This Island Earth to crucially shorten its runtime. His skill at achieving brevity without losing coherence should be taught in film schools across the globe and even the universe.
Mystery Science Theatre 3000: The Movie races by, much to its credit, but the Satellite of Love will never be as warm and full of heart as it did in the Joel years. Hodgson brought that special something that most likely can and will never be recreated.
But let’s not rule anything out.
Push the button, Frank.
Toodles!
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